Fishing jokes

[skinner]

The Fishing Groom



A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

[skinner]

Nothing beats fresh worms...:drool:






Take the Bait

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! A Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[skinner]

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish; you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[skinner]

Ever think how much you actually spent to catch a fish? :kooky::D



A Fishy Story

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"


The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[lostatsea]

The Fishing Groom



A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

We need pics! :upck::kooky: :scared:

[bababooey]

Ever think how much you actually spent to catch a fish? :kooky::D



A Fishy Story

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"


The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

I have a friend who buys fish from the store. I tell him the stories of our day, the boat troubles, etc, etc. He thinks it's funny when he asks - Well, can't you buy fish cheaper from the store? :huh: That doesn't even begin to account for the expenses spent on a tuna trip. How many guys have nothing to report at the end of a tuna trip except - "Yeah, we went on a long boat ride again":o If you need an explanation, you wouldn't understand anyway.

[buckethead]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[katiefishes]

The Fishing Groom



A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"


Sick :beatin:

[bababooey]

Sick :beatin:

One for Katie. :HappyWave:

Bill: Hey Phil, are you going fishing?
Phil: Yeah!
Bill: Ya got worms?
Phil: Yeah, but I'm still going!




Fishing rules:

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.


**Katie, see the other thread, we want bikini pics.:kiss:

[CharlieTuna]

This was in another thread here. Good stuff.


You might be a fisherman if...
1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[rockhopper]

The fishing trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish
cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through
nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she
said "do what ever you want."

Here I am.

[hookedonbass]

http://www.fishingalberta.net/Resort%20Madness%2025.jpg Fishing For a Sale A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[wish4fish]

u have 10 fish. 5 drown, 3 come back, 2 live, how many fish do u have? stop counting u ******* idiot fish dont drown, lol

[VSdreams]

The fishing trip

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through
nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she
said "do what ever you want."

Here I am.

Hardcore fishing addict!:laugh:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!



UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown.

[albiealert]

^Dark, that is not one of those "this thread is worthless without pics" jokes, for sure!:upck::laugh:

[rockhopper]

The Fisherman (http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/The_Fisherman_2)



The Fisherman


One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family." You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer."


And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will thenresult in larger catches of fish!""And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said." And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"Once again the fisherman asked,


"And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" :fishing:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!



Fishing vs Sex








#20 - No matter how much beer you've had, you can still Fish.



#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.



#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.



#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.



#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.



#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes you Fishing, you
don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.



#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished
with long ago.



#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.



#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.



#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.



#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.



#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they
are really an undercover cop.



#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to
buy Fishing stuff.



#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting
sued for "fishing harassment".


#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.


#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.


#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.


#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.


#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.


#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished
last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?!"

[ledhead36]

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished
last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?!"


Ha ha this is me!

[basshunter]

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"

"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts.

"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.

"Nope."

"Well, meet the new game warden."

"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"

"Nope".

"Meet the biggest liar in the state."

[finchaser]

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked

[jigfreak]

Funny stuff. I bet there are a lot of a-holes around here that would try that if they could.

[seamonkey]

pet fish, or magically disappearing fish, that guy was crazy like a fox.

[7deadlyplugs]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
> (A TRUE FISH STORY)
> I went fishing this morning,but after a short time I ran out of worms.
> Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
> bait.
>
> Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
> him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
>
> Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
> grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
> mouth. His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I released him into the
> lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
>
> A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with
> two frogs in his mouth.
>
> Life is good in the South.
>
> Ah come on, I said it was a fish story

[stripercrazy]

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went Surf fishing.

[finchaser]

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, 'Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.'

Ole said, 'I haven't got da finkers.'

'Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?' he said. 'Lord-it's 2012 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?'






Ole says........'How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

[albiealert]

Good one. Sounds like a Polish joke with different players.:)

[ledhead36]

And you cant fock without finkers.:HappyWave:

[surfstix1963]

Good one Bob..

[finchaser]

Something to think about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Fish are always eating other fish.

If fish could scream, the ocean would be as loud as sh_t."

[stripercrazy]

Silently screaming like inmates at the asysum in a old time horror flick. lol:scared: Especially those poor bunker!

[basshunter]

Q: What do fish and women have in common? A: They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!