Jokes about sex and dirty jokes [Archive] - Stripersandanglers Forums

dogfish

03-30-2008, 10:31 AM

Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

________________________________

LOUD
SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and
said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's
completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it
wakes me up!"

________________________________

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man
came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're
never home!"

________________________________

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

________________________________

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter
quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband
yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
"

________________________________

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y
jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

________________________________

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came
home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living
apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge
of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything
to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I
figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."

ledhead36

03-31-2008, 09:26 PM

________________________________

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

:laugh: :laugh: :clapping:

Nails it for many couples today. (biggest trap in the world, and after you remodel the kitchen for her, she decides the rest of the house looks "old and outdated", get ready to burn through another $10k) :(

dogfish

04-01-2008, 05:18 PM

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

nitestrikes

04-01-2008, 10:34 PM

Checkup

This beautiful woman one day walks into a gynecologist's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

albiealert

04-08-2008, 11:18 AM

Coma miracle

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazyas this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."

hookedonbass

04-08-2008, 10:05 PM

:wow::laugh:

plugcrazy

04-08-2008, 10:57 PM

fishlipper

04-12-2008, 07:27 PM

DEATH DURING SEX

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

nitestrikes

04-12-2008, 08:06 PM

This one's a little sick :D

After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

^^ Sounds like the guy in the foreign cell phone commercial who hooks up with an tranny an a bar, and his bud almost doesn't reach him on the phone in time to kill the deal. :whoo::bucktooth:

cracklepopper

04-13-2008, 09:52 PM

A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.

He goes to the first house, the madame answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?"

The madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and decines the madam’s offer to enter the premises.

He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question.

Then at one house he asks, the madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big boobs and beautiful body sitting on the couch.

He pulls out his wallet, hands the madame a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there."

I’m sure you would", replies the madame, " but 76 year old Hazel sitting over there has seniority!"

wish4fish

04-13-2008, 10:44 PM

This one's a little sick :D

After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

ur a sick dude, I threw up in my mouth readin that! :upck:

bababooey

04-16-2008, 07:30 PM

Sex in the jungle

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

dogfish

04-25-2008, 10:56 PM

^^ Maybe the guy they caught having sex with a picnic table should have thought of that first. :idea:

dogfish

04-25-2008, 11:08 PM

What’s six inches long and smells like a robin?

Batman’s ****. :laugh:

pescador29

04-27-2008, 03:07 PM

Why are ambulances better than women?
I have never had to wait longer than 30 minutes for an ambulance to come.

cracklepopper

05-05-2008, 12:50 AM

THAT'S LOVE!
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too!"

katiefishes

05-05-2008, 11:48 AM

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said,

"Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?"

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

cracklepopper

05-05-2008, 07:01 PM

^ :laugh:

Alien sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

cracklepopper

05-14-2008, 05:59 PM

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job ."

BassBuddah

05-20-2008, 12:54 AM

MAN OF YOUR DREAMS

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

bababooey

05-24-2008, 10:26 PM

Joke's on you

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

bababooey

05-29-2008, 10:08 PM

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the storelaughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there'sno law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, andonce again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest ofthe pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow himto see where he goes."Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, startscracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow theguy.About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store."Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.The clerk replies "Your house."

stripercrazy

05-31-2008, 11:52 AM

plugcrazy

06-03-2008, 09:13 AM

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

wish4fish

06-04-2008, 06:37 AM

Ha, gotta try that next time a chick blows me off!:laugh:

voyager35

06-17-2008, 10:23 AM

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

albiealert

07-25-2008, 07:11 PM

Hooker Tax
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

stripercrazy

07-29-2008, 09:29 PM

Sharp gambler

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your *** before the day was over."

hookset

07-30-2008, 12:51 AM

STILL IN THE BOX

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

stripercrazy

08-06-2008, 03:11 PM

Johnny Farts
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITELY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just **** my pants!!!"

plugcrazy

08-06-2008, 03:56 PM

bababooey

08-06-2008, 05:55 PM

BassBuddah

08-22-2008, 01:39 PM

***** creation

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a ***** to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and ****** it,
and called it a ****.

bluesdude71

08-25-2008, 09:37 PM

A man came home drunk at 2am in the morning.He went upstairs and woke up his wife and asked her for a *******.She said she was too tired and went back to sleep.He woke her and asked her again.
She told him to masturbate into the glass on her bedside table and she would drink it in the morning.

bababooey

09-28-2008, 12:42 PM

Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

cracklepopper

09-28-2008, 04:13 PM

Serves him right for being such a cheap bastid.:laugh:

stormchaser

10-02-2008, 06:52 AM

SPERM BANK ROBBERY
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

bababooey

10-07-2008, 04:19 PM

Voodoo ****

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo ****?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ******* deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door."

The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo ****, get back in your box!"

The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo ****, my *****."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my *****!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo ****, my azz!"

dogfish

10-07-2008, 04:31 PM

SPERM BANK ROBBERY

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

Love this joke. :D :ROFLMAO:

williehookem

10-13-2008, 05:48 PM

Wishful thinking
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"

bababooey

10-18-2008, 04:33 PM

Lazy Frog
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

bluesdude71

10-20-2008, 05:28 PM

What does a girl come home with when she fishes with 20 surfcasters?

a red snapper!

bababooey

10-21-2008, 12:38 AM

My kinda girl...:D

dogfish

12-23-2008, 03:55 PM

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else, said the madam.”

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to a surprised Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “South Dakota.”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Dakota.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

dogfish

01-06-2009, 07:26 PM

a million uses

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

DarkSkies

03-10-2010, 09:10 AM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

10305

10306

10307

nitestrikes

03-10-2010, 11:45 PM

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Ha ha good one, and so true, lawyers suck eggs.

DarkSkies

03-15-2010, 11:02 AM

Sent in by surfstix, thanks!

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

DarkSkies

03-20-2010, 10:40 AM

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Folks! If we don't laugh, we'll probably cry. So LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cartoons for those growing older.

Growing old...cartoons
« on: Jan 26th, 2007, 11:40pm »http://www.mountainsanatorium.net/YaBBImages/quote.gif Quote (http://www.mountainsanatorium.net/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl?board=rehabilitation;action=post;num=11698 72806;quote=0;title=Post+reply;start=0) http://www.mountainsanatorium.net/YaBBImages/modify.gif Modify (http://www.mountainsanatorium.net/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl?board=rehabilitation;action=modify;message =0;thread=1169872806) http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old1.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old2.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old3.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old4.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old6.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old9.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old10.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old11.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/lioneltrainguy/old12.jpg

DarkSkies

09-16-2010, 01:14 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Subject: FW: For Your Education: Sinusoidal vs. Harmonic Motion

NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU GET, YOU NEVER LOSE INTEREST IN PHYSICS!

ENGINEERING REVIEW
Can you distinguish
Sinusoidal from
Harmonic Motion?

This is a quick physics refresher for all my engineer
friends. This information should be passed on to
non-engineers who may wonder about these important
issues.

For Engineers:

12058

For non-Engineers:

This is Sinusoidal Motion

12054

this is Harmonic Motion

12055

this is a classic combination of
Sinusoidal & Harmonic Motion :wow:

12056

I thought you should
Keep abreast of these
classic mathematical and engineering problems. :naughty:

storminsteve

09-16-2010, 02:48 PM

Someone sent me that one too, Dark. I tried to download the gifs for you but couldn't do it from my e-mail to here. Those jigglies are much better as gifs, imo.:dribble:
We should start every day with jigglies like that.:d

DarkSkies

09-22-2010, 03:41 PM

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

A beautiful young blonde New York woman named Missy was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , Missy accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," Missy replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

bluesdude71

10-24-2010, 02:16 PM

This is gross, you have been warned -

4 golf buddies set out for a friendly afternoon of golf.

1 of the guys slices it, and loses his ball in the woods. He's in there for 5 minutes and the other guys get worried, so they send one of the party in to look for him.

20 minutes go by, and neither guy has come out of the woods yet. The other 2 go in there to look for them.

They find the one guy standing up, giving anal sex to the other guy. They say: "What the heck are you guys doing?"

The response:
"Well I came in here to find Pete, and he was having trouble breathing. I revived him!"

The guys ask:
That's not how you're supposed to revive him, you're supposed to give mouth to mouth! :eek:

The response:
"Well I tried that, and this is how we ended up!" :kooky: :upck:

VSdreams

10-25-2010, 12:34 PM

^ You're right, that is absolutely disgusting!:upck:
Not that I'm anti-gay or anything like that. But I prefer that gays keep it in the closet. We don't have to see or hear things like that, it makes you want to puke!

nitestrikes

01-11-2011, 05:19 PM

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought
it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with
their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his
head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

DarkSkies

01-29-2011, 08:05 AM

Sent in by surfstix, thanks.

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything.....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away.."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

DarkSkies

02-12-2011, 11:09 AM

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

Generic names for Viagra.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

DarkSkies

02-12-2011, 10:32 PM

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Top Four

Adult Jokes

Fourth

Place:

A

man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his

elbow goes into her breast.

They

are both quite startled.

The

man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast,

I

know you'll forgive me.'

She

replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third

Place :

One

night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.

The

wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The

husband, rejected, turns over..

A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner

Up:

Bill

worked in a pickle factory.

He had

been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day

to

confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had

an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His

wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One

day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she

asked.

'Do

you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh,

Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes,

I did.' he replied.

'My

God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got

fired.'

'No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired

too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:

A

couple had been married for 50 years.

They

were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'

'I

know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here
naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny

snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two

stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You

know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I

wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

bababooey

02-14-2011, 01:52 PM

One

night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his wife's arm.

The

wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a

gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The

husband, rejected, turns over..

A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Good one!

bababooey

02-16-2011, 07:36 AM

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' :heart:

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming. :pig:
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple pass him, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!' :scared:

DarkSkies

03-13-2011, 09:56 AM

Sent in by surfstix, thanks.

Matrimony --
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
>
> So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
>
> The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the h*** up.

CharlieTuna

03-17-2011, 01:22 PM

The kiss -

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famousWhy are
you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

lostatsea

03-17-2011, 09:14 PM

:upck: :scared:

DarkSkies

03-22-2011, 11:18 PM

Sent in by an old friend, thanks!

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

13324

DarkSkies

06-08-2011, 08:35 AM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Subject: THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now.'

DarkSkies

11-20-2011, 01:59 PM

Sent in by a member, thanks.

Some gentle ethnic humor
Two Italians on a Bus
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about
sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

DarkSkies

11-20-2011, 02:05 PM

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

Pants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-*** attitude, you never will.'

7deadlyplugs

11-20-2011, 02:41 PM

Some modern guys like wearing the panties, dark. I believe they call them metro-sexuals.:ROFLMAO

DarkSkies

01-14-2012, 06:02 PM

Yeah, 7dp, I agree. What happened to the old days, when men were men, and didn't try to look like girls? :huh:

**********
Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

Older Women

I'll confess ... I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60 + year-old. In fact, she wasn't
too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a
really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of more beers, and she asked if I'd ever had
a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, I wondered what her
daughter really looked like.

So I said, "No, I haven't."
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight’s
your lucky night."

So we went back to her place.

She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom,
are you still awake?"

DarkSkies

06-14-2013, 10:41 AM

Sent in by Speedy, thanks! :HappyWave:

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take? I ask.

They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without missing a beat he says, worked for your *** didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.