Joke of the Day [Archive] - Page 2 - Stripersandanglers Forums

DarkSkies

09-16-2010, 01:06 PM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" :scared:

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." ;) :naughty:

DarkSkies

09-27-2010, 10:08 AM

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Italian

plugcrazy

09-27-2010, 12:21 PM

Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Italian

True that!

DarkSkies

10-01-2010, 11:05 AM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, PIG!

Man yells out window, *****! :burn:
Man rounds next curve. :plastered:

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. :don't know why:

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen .... http://stripersandanglers.com/Forum/images/icons/icon3.gif

DarkSkies

10-01-2010, 11:09 AM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

12147

cowherder

10-01-2010, 02:13 PM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

Your Laugh For The Day

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. :lookhappy:

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....:eek:

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. :o :ROFLMAO

...and how was your day?

That sounds like something that could actually happen, or be in a late-night sitcom, or a Harold and Kumar movie, funny.:thumbsup:

DarkSkies

10-05-2010, 09:47 AM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle

bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

12226

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

bababooey

10-05-2010, 11:37 AM

:clapping::clapping: ^^ Funny, cute kid too.:thumbsup:

DarkSkies

11-03-2010, 07:24 AM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square . The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,- - -
slim,tall,38D breasts,24" waist and34" hips.

12410

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

rockhopper

11-04-2010, 05:11 PM

I said oh my God too, man what I would love to do to her!:heart:

seamonkey

11-13-2010, 09:59 PM

Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn’t catch anything? By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.

captnemo

11-14-2010, 08:15 PM

Catholic woman with daughter wins it every time!

Pebbles

11-19-2010, 05:22 PM

:roflmao

crosseyedbass

11-20-2010, 08:56 AM

^ HaHa, Pebbles. I have a fishing buddy that always claims he catches more than everyone else. I wish I could do that to him, lol. Good one.

nitestrikes

12-17-2010, 01:00 PM

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked, 'What is on the TV?' I said 'It looks like Dust'.
______________________________

A woman says to her husband: “What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He replies: “It’s not my fault. I ran out of money.”

________________________________________________

A man comes into the room and says to his wife: “I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on.”
The wife, delighted that he has included her in his activity replies: “Does that mean you are taking me with you, darling?” The husband replies: “No, I’m turning the heating off!!!”
___________________________________________

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

DarkSkies

12-27-2010, 01:52 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such
> great physical condition?'
> I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
> the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
> 'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
> 'Who said my Father's dead?'
> The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
> 'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and
> had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
> 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
> 'Who said my Nono's dead?'
> Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
> 'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
> The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
> 'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
> At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
> 'Who said he wanted to? :pig:

DarkSkies

12-27-2010, 02:24 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks! :HappyWave:

The Defective Parrot
http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f8128%5fAJPFtEQAAGggTRFMHAEpEUNZh7 I&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

storminsteve

12-29-2010, 11:18 AM

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

:laugh: :clapping: good one.

DarkSkies

01-07-2011, 11:09 AM

Home alone?

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the **** do you think?"

DarkSkies

01-07-2011, 11:10 AM

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with
long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that. :pig: :rolleyes:

DarkSkies

01-12-2011, 05:33 PM

Costco Doctor:

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Costco doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @
Costco!

buckethead

01-12-2011, 06:56 PM

one day a blonde and brunette were driving through the desert, when in the distance there was a redhead in a rowboat , just a rowing away (in the desert) as they got closer the brunette said, " she's stupid, there's no water out here" , the blonde replied " you know, if i could swim i would go out there and kick her arse".

DarkSkies

01-18-2011, 08:06 AM

Differences between men and women,,,

Surfstix sent me something that was a lot funnier than this, graphic cartoons, but I couldn't find a place on the net that had the images for me to C&P. So I'm posting this instead...

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie,

Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as

Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
$20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, s having cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10 .DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11 .NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13 .THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people
remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion
had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

DarkSkies

01-29-2011, 03:24 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk s think.

DarkSkies

02-12-2011, 10:38 AM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh, I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

DarkSkies

02-12-2011, 10:29 PM

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Subj: Questions that haunt me!

SOME THAT I HAVEN’T SEEN BEFORE.
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someonebelieve you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. :ROFLMAO :kooky: :cool: :rolleyes:

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****

DarkSkies

03-05-2011, 03:33 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

FW: Her and His Diarys

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out; at least I got laid.

mick2360

03-07-2011, 11:45 PM

Two friends go hunting, one trips accidentally causing his shotgun to go off hitting his friend. Hunter 1 Frantically dials 911...."Help, I just shot my friend! It was a terrible accident and he's dead. The 911 operator, ever the cool professional says, "Sir, calm down. First, let's make sure that he's really dead." There is silence on the line for a moment, followed by a loud BANG! The hunter gets back on the line, "He's dead alright, now what?" :ROFLMAO

DarkSkies

03-31-2011, 07:31 AM

^^ Funny stuff, Mick, redneck humor. :clapping:

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

What do retired people do?

Working people frequently ask retired people what

they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I

went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “*******” . He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “**** head”. He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age. :2flip: :d

DarkSkies

04-07-2011, 11:22 AM

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

MARITAL BLISS

http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f68416%5fAIHFtEQAAKojTZ2hQA14kzV2a BU&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

DarkSkies

05-23-2011, 02:38 PM

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?”
“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,

‘‘so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin.”
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple......It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is, Sir.”
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”

captnemo

05-27-2011, 02:47 PM

Good or bad luck?

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma

for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every

single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her

to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're ******* Bad Luck!!!

jigfreak

05-27-2011, 03:25 PM

Def sounds like bad luck to me.

DarkSkies

06-04-2011, 10:06 AM

Joke for us old folks!
Sent in by OGB, thanks!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALMOST 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ***, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

captnemo

06-04-2011, 03:56 PM

So true, we always think folks are older than we are., Dark.
Has anyone ever gone to their high school reunion, looked at someone, and said, Boy I can't believe how old they look.

DarkSkies

06-30-2011, 11:04 AM

Has anyone ever gone to their high school reunion, looked at someone, and said, Boy I can't believe how old they look.

Yup, I have! :laugh: :HappyWave:
The last high school reunion I and Pebbles went to, there were still people there trying to show others how successful they had become, while doing their best to put others down. I kind of thought we coiuld get past that after a certain number of years. It was real disappointing, but that's life. :don't know why:

*********
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The Obedient Italian Wife!

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her
heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money
into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
his wife was sitting there dressed in black (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before
the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic and I cannot go back on my word. I promised him I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him??"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

AMEN!

Send this to every clever Italian female you know and others, and to every man who thinks he is smarter than an Italian woman!

CIAO TUTTI

DarkSkies

07-06-2011, 08:13 AM

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Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

DarkSkies

07-23-2011, 06:08 PM

Sent in by surfstix, thanks!

Subject: It Pays to Be Old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

DarkSkies

08-15-2011, 05:49 PM

Senf in by Fin, thanks.

(This reminds me of a true story...a lot of years ago when I was in the drinkin days, a friend and I were in a seedy urban bar.

My friend is a hard core biker, tats all over, swastika on the helmet, etc, etc. a sick dude.)

We meet this other guy, one of his "friends". Guy just got out of jail that afternoon after doing a 9 month stretch for assault, member of a NJ Outlaw biker gang.

The newly freed convict walks up to my friend, says hey how ya doin, bro!
He says:
"I like your shirt and I want ya to give it to me!" :eek:
My friend was supposedly tight with this guy and the other color wearing members of his crew....but the guy wasn't taking "no" for an answer. 2 minutes later, my friend had to take his shirt off and switch with the psycho dude. :scared: Or we would have been beaten to a pulp by his "friend" and his fellow outlaws.

Lesson learned....Ya never know what will be around the corner, when you're drinkin. :kooky: :learn:

Fin's joke....
**********
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

http://us.f450.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f53540%5fAELFtEQAAEmFTklL5wcVCxc07 gI&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

bababooey

08-15-2011, 09:19 PM

Dark you are lucky you and your buddy didn't end up in a shallow grave somewhere.

DarkSkies

09-08-2011, 02:22 PM

^^ Bababooey, there are worse stories than that, those are just the ones I can talk about on a public forum...I'm damn lucky I made it through those years, some of the guys I used to run with weren't so lucky.....

********
Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!
When a woman wears a leather dress....

http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd180/energinerbuzzy/untitled1.jpg

When a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why

Because she smells like a new truck

DarkSkies

12-29-2011, 01:22 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

2 Lawyers....
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming..

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're

hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly

beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....

So .. Do you think we should ....well .....

You know ...... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer ....

DarkSkies

02-23-2012, 03:02 PM

Sent in by the OGB, thanks!

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. "HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. "HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. "HE paid for our house at the lake. "HE paid for our country club membership, and "HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his *** with that blanket before he catches cold."

hookset

07-30-2012, 11:39 AM

"Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. "HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. "HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. "HE paid for our house at the lake. The cabby replies, "I'd cover his *** with that blanket before he catches cold."

If the guy can buy me a fishing boat he can sleep with my wife too.:clapping:

DarkSkies

01-07-2013, 05:59 PM

Sent in by surfstix, thanks!

The Night Nurse A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's just great...some *******'s got my pen!'

DarkSkies

04-20-2013, 03:52 PM

Sent in by Speedy, thanks!

16868

storminsteve

04-20-2013, 07:21 PM

Eau de brocc-ole, the latest French fad. LOL

DarkSkies

08-22-2013, 12:34 PM

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

ELDER TEXTING....................

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

finchaser

08-27-2013, 10:10 AM

Why Grandfathers are different.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single assh_le, queer, piece of sh_t, horse's a_s,tree hugger, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, camel humper or son of a bit_h anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?