Joke of the Day

[bunkerjoe4]

Stewed Tomatoes http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif- A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.'' :o

[stripercrazy]

ha - one time I ate vegetable soup in the morning. waves on thebboat were 7footers, by the afternoon, I was pukin in 3 colors. funny joke

[pescador29]

State Trooper http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband. When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.”
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma'am I see you're from Florida.”
The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”
The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of *** I ever had in Florida.”
The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”

[surferman]

:D:D:D:D:D:D Now that's funny!

[wish4fish]

Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[dogfish]

WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

[bluesdude71]

Since we're on the subject of married jokes...:D



DREAMS OF WIFE, HUSBAND
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off penises in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.

[dogfish]

TOP FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO PREGNANT WIFE

17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

[fishlipper]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
> convertible out of
> the
> dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
> 80 mph, enjoying
> the
> wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
>
> 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing
> the pedal even more.
> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state
> trooper behind him, blue
> lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to
> 100 mph, then 110,
> then
> 120.
>
> Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for
> this,' and pulled
> over to await the trooper's arrival.
>
> Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
> Corvette,
> looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in
> 30 minutes. Toda y> is
> Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that
> I've never heard
> before, I'll let you go.'
>
> The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my
> wife ran off with a
> Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her
> back.'
>
> 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper
>
>

[plugginpete]

Two guys rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st guy: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd guy: Yes, I made an 'X' on the bottom of the boat to mark the spot.

1st guy: You knucklehead! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

[captnemo]

Death Row in Women's Prison
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

[nitestrikes]

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[bababooey]

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[katiefishes]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[stripercrazy]

So Katie, you ever have that problem? :) jk, good one.:clapping:

[stripercrazy]

Newlyweds

These 2 fishing buddies were talking one day by the lake shore and marriage came up. "so I hear you got married" says the first fisherman to his buddy.

"hows that going, is the sex great?"

"well not so good man, my wife has gonorrhea"

"well, what about anal sex?"
"no good, she also has diarrhea."

"oh man, well what about oral sex?"
"even worse, she also has pyorrhea!"

"dude, what the hell did you marry that skanky ***** for?" asks the confused buddy.
"well," says the newlywed, "she also has worms, and you know how much I like to fish!!"

[captnemo]

^ Old joke, but still good. :laugh:

[CharlieTuna]

How many does it take?

A guy goes and sits at the bar table and asks the bartender for a drink. After the drink the man looks in his pocket and says "not yet" and asks the bartender for another drink.

After that drink he looks in his pockets and says again "damnit not yet".

After another 3 drinks later the bartender finally asks " Why after every drink you look in your pocket and say not yet??"

The man replies "it's a picture of my wife, i'm not going home until she looks good"

[dogfish]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[cracklepopper]

Cat on a hot tin roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[dogfish]

this ones for Katie. :kiss:




Better than Divorce




A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she’s up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn’t there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I’ve got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

[cracklepopper]

BATTLE FOR CUSTODY

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

[stripercrazy]

Catfish Stank-----

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

[seamonkey]

Free Sex with Fill-Up


A gas station in Newfoundland was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local Newfy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The Newf then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same Newf, along with a buddy, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The Newf guessed 2 this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, his buddy said to him, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Newfy replied, "No it ain't Billy, it's not rigged. My wife won two weeks in a row ."

[dogfish]

When I was a kid, parents bought a book callie "Newfie jokes". Good sports those Newfoundlanders, laughing at themselves in a book. Brings back memories. :clapping:

[bluesdude71]

Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy. …

… you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[albiealert]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

[cracklepopper]

The dump List


The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''**** Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”

The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor.

The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a **** in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.

[strikezone31]

Glad I found this site. Best dumps - Klingon dump, flu dump. great stuff.

[bluesdude71]

Three women; one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to surprise their men.... Over the coming weekend all three agreed to tantalize their men by wearing a leather bodice, S&M style, stiletto heeled shoes and mask over their eyes.........

A few days later they meet again and each relate their amorous stories.....



The engaged girlfriend: "that night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 5 inch stilettos and the mask. As soon as he saw me his eyes lit up and said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"... we then made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah! me too, on the Friday night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, ccrazzy stilettos, mask over my eyes and a black PVC raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he didn't say a thing, he didn't need to..... we had wild sex all night.

The married one: "Saturday I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stiletto knee high boots and the mask over my eyes.... my husband came back from the pub, opened the door and says:
"Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

[dogfish]

The dump List



The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”

The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor.

The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.


The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?


The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.


:laugh::laugh: Yessir, I have close n personal klnowledge of each of those.:clapping:

[stripercrazy]

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!

[wish4fish]

^ haha my last girlfriend, lol :huh:

[albiealert]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[cowherder]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[paco33]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."


:laugh::laugh:
Reminds me of the Stern show when Artie Lange went to Vegas. He met a chick he thought was into him for his act. They went up to his room, and after they were done, she sez to Artie: "for everything, that'll be $450" :laugh:

[katiefishes]

Why are men like cars?


Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming

[bababooey]

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.

The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."

"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."

Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"

[plugaholic]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[dogfish]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger ****'.

The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your **** for 2 months'.

'How will that help to make my **** bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ***' says the boyfriend.

[pinhead44]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[stormchaser]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."


:laugh::laugh: got a couple of buddies like that. They say they wear the pants in their families, but "Yes dear" is the first thing out of their mouths when talking to their wives.http://stripersandanglers.com/Forum/images/icons/icon10.gif

[fishinmission78]

Tinkle......

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into th e room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[bluesdude71]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a *******?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[plugginpete]

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

[cowherder]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

[hookedonbass]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

:laugh: :clapping:

[strikezone31]

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

[BassBuddah]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[stormchaser]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

:laugh: :clapping: Wish I could do that with my wife.:embarassed:

[strikezone31]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[bababooey]

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.

[plugcrazy]

The Back Pew......

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
Congregation and asked f or a raise.?

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded,

So would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children
Were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
His chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
As many gifts as He gives us. Silence fel l on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
In her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
Much of it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen ~ Hallelujah'...

[CharlieTuna]

The Back Pew......

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
Congregation and asked f or a raise.?

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded,

So would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children
Were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
His chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
As many gifts as He gives us. Silence fel l on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
In her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
Much of it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen ~ Hallelujah'...

:ROFLMAO: :clapping: When I was younger, my grandma was way beyond her years. she used to tell us when we were teens: If you find a girl, and you start having sex, make sure you put on a rubber, you don't need any babies at your age! - this from the mouth of a 75 year old woman. Bless her soul, I miss her, this just reminded me of her. :clapping::clapping:

[CharlieTuna]

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

[bababooey]

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

:laugh: :clapping:

[CharlieTuna]

MARRIAGE QUOTES BY MEN


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.;)
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. :ROFLMAO:
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[cracklepopper]

I was on my way to shop at Wal Mart.

Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. Wasn't even on
the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then -

... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to
get funny)? Well - -

... He was a dwarf! About 3 feet nothing tall, storms over to my car


Looks up at me and says, 'I am NOT happy.'

I look down at him and say, 'Okay, which one are you then?'

And that's when the frippin' fight started. .. .

[bababooey]

I was on my way to shop at Wal Mart.

Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. Wasn't even on
the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then -

... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to
get funny)? Well - -

... He was a dwarf! About 3 feet nothing tall, storms over to my car


Looks up at me and says, 'I am NOT happy.'

I look down at him and say, 'Okay, which one are you then?'

And that's when the frippin' fight started. .. .

Ok which one are you then? :ROFLMAO: :clapping:

[wish4fish]

Ha ha would be fun if u really did get into an accident with a dwarf and could use that line! :ROFLMAO:

[albiealert]

BLIND DATE
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[plugginpete]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[plugginpete]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it Plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P... E.. ... N.... I..... S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer screen read:

PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[buckethead]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people , do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long

time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'


Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our

family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the

grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[bababooey]

Married spice

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'that was wonderful. Why did you stop??'






'I found the remote,' he said.


:ROFLMAO:

[bababooey]

This one's for Katie :D :HappyWave:

One for the Ladies

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles , Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots , Please no gray
And as for my belly , Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy , Please keep me young ,
And thank you Dear Lord , For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....
1.. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!!

[dogfish]

Do you have GUTS? or BALLZ? :laugh:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.':wheeeee::wheeeee:

[cowherder]

MARRIAGE QUOTES
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." - Dakota Shepard.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter.

"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles." - Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." - Beverley Nichols.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.

"Life is a *****, then you marry one."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

[stripercrazy]

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

[seamonkey]

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?


A. Money

[plugcrazy]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your ****.

[rockhopper]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."

"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again

[bababooey]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."

"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again

sucks getting older:ROFLMAO:

[hookedonbass]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[plugginpete]

The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[bababooey]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"



:clapping:

[dogfish]

^ My ideal response in 10 years. :clapping:

How do you tell the difference between a mercedes 500sel and a porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.:laugh:

[bababooey]

How do you tell the difference between a mercedes 500sel and a porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.:laugh:

You can also substitute Porsche or BMW, good joke.:D

[bluesdude71]

Dead Fly

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,
so she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out". She ate and ate....and then...
she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and
could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath,
spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you are full of crap."

[bluesdude71]

Lame

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble,
when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
(DOH!)

[bababooey]

Dead Fly

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,
so she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out". She ate and ate....and then...
she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and
could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath,
spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you are full of crap."


:ROFLMAO: I know quite a few people who would benefit from this advice.:D

[albiealert]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"



Sometimes the simplest things in life are free, and people can't see that.:clapping:

[plugcrazy]

A man walkes into a florist shop and sees a large sign saying "Say It With Flowers"
"Wrap up one rose", he told the florist
"Only one?' the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer said
"I'm a man of few words"

[bluesdude71]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over
and asks, "What are
you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up, they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I
had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

[crosseyedbass]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go
to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and
washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says
"Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied,
"you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."


The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"

[dogfish]

...One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."


The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"


:laugh::laugh: :clapping:

[strikezone31]

Boat troubles

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

[jigfreak]

Fairplay
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. (Contributed by Scott Jamison, Orem,Utah)

[stripercrazy]

A man walkes into a florist shop and sees a large sign saying "Say It With Flowers"
"Wrap up one rose", he told the florist
"Only one?' the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer said
"I'm a man of few words"

Yeah, try pulling that on your anniversary and see how much sex you get.:laugh:

[hookset]

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.

[rockhopper]

him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, " No way. I hate needles. I'm not having
any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here,"
he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to
while I pull your tooth."

[storminsteve]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go
to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and
washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says
"Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied,
"you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."


The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"

Ha ha I heard this before, but it's still funny.:ROFLMAO:

[surferman]

Checking In (http://www.deaddog.com/?p=8517)


A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

[plugcrazy]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.

The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.”

[rockhopper]

Two young Irish men were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said, “I’m taking along a gallon of whisky just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?”


The other one thought about it for a moment and said, “Two rattlesnakes!”

[storminsteve]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.

The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.”

Knowing where to put it, priceless.:thumbsup:

[captnemo]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[plugginpete]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice comes the reply…”The word is ‘celebrate

[surferman]

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[storminsteve]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man. ‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it's time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'

[dogfish]

Married bliss :rolleyes:

A man and a woman who had never met before, and are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk & she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you mind reaching into the closet to get me another blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
I have a better idea,' she replied with a twinkle in her eye. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
His eyebrows went up and he smiled, 'That's a great idea!'


'Good', she replied. 'Get your own freaking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted

[CharlieTuna]

^^ Good one! :ROFLMAO:

CIA interviews:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."



Ugly woman:
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

[blitzhunter]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[katiefishes]

The Indian With One Testicle



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle



and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that



name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.



After years and years of torment, Onestone finally



cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone



again I will kill them!'




The word got around and nobody called



him that any more.



Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird



forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He



jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into



the forest where he made love to her all day and



all night. He made love to her all the next day,



until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.



The word got around that Onestone meant what



he promised he would do. Years went by and no



one dared call him by his given name until A woman



named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being



away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlueBird'scousin, was



overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him



and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'



Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,









then he made love to her all day, made love to her all






night, made love to her all the next day, made love to






her all the next night, butYellowBirdwouldn't die!















Why ???















OH, come on... take a guess !!!















Think about it !!!















You're going to love this !!!















Everyone knows...






You can't killTwo Birds






withOneStone!!!

[bababooey]

:laugh: Very good..You're ok, Katie. ;) :clapping:

[blitzhunter]

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks
and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Block Island Ferry."

[CharlieTuna]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is."

While the boy and his father were watching in
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your Mother."

[voyager35]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[captnemo]

:laugh::laugh: :clapping: The one thing you learn about living with women, should you not die of a heart attack first, is they continue to mystify. When you think you have them all figured out, another twist comes your way. Thanks for the laughs.

[hookset]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine, says the Italian.'

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?'

[cracklepopper]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


:clapping::clapping: Good one!

[BassBuddah]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a very and beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."the jeweler asked how
payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you
need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[rockhopper]

Sportsman's Double

I ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60ish-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit and then she asked, "Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, "No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome."

We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, "Tonight is your lucky night."

We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"

[stripercrazy]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[katiefishes]

Cup of Tea. (Watch out Dad's)
>
> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
>
> I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
>
> Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
> one of my favorite toys.
>
> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
> brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
> several
> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
> enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
> watches him drink it up.
>
> Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
>
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
> water
> is the toilet?
>

[blitzhunter]

Bubba's Truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where'd you git that truck?”

“Tammie give it to me,” Bubba replied.

“She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6,in the middle of no wheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!”

“Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you.”

[crosseyedbass]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied
up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a
chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of
the room.

He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been
kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as he had
chance,the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow,and
turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.

He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him
kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our
lives depend on it!"

"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that
way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my
neck...he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute
and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom".

[plugaholic]

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

• You have enough clothes.

• You have too many shoes.

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

• Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[basshunter]

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.




:clapping::clapping: well said!

[7deadlyplugs]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a very and beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."the jeweler asked how
payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you
need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"


ha ha, the old guy has game! :D

[blitzhunter]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked , "What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[surferman]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands .

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband > became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female

[rockhopper]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[surferman]

One dark night inthe small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Italian firefighters, passed thefire engines parked outside the plantand drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"

[DarkSkies]

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"

:ROFLMAO: :clapping:

[cracklepopper]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road!

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance
it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this checken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together , in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.)

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

**** CHENEY:
Where's my gun!

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[CharlieTuna]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[lostatsea]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Broke Back Mountain stuff in our garden.'

[hookedonbass]

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[katiefishes]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl..
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[katiefishes]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause "it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[storminsteve]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws.

Outlaws are wanted.

[basshunter]

CIGARETTESAND TAMPONS
A manwalks into a pharmacyand wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices himand asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking fora box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him downthe correct aisle.
A few minutes later,he depositsa huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers,'You see,it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a cartonof cigarettes, andshe came backwith a tin of tobacco
and somerollingpapers; cause"it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooomuch cheaper.
So, I figureif I have to roll my own.......... so does she.


Hey you ladies wanted equal rights, you got them now. Good one. :clapping:

[captnemo]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her..

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the total number to
something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.

[cracklepopper]

This tells it all

Z4Y4keqTV6w

[albiealert]

Mowing the lawn, Beer and the Neighbor
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,
drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so
outraged that she came over and shouted at me,
'You should be hung!'


I took a drink from my can of Budweiser,
wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and
stared directly into the eyes of this
nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

'I am...... That's why she cuts the grass'

[albiealert]

6229

[DarkSkies]

6229

Is that called tough love?:D


Truth or consequences

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments .' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[buckethead]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, hungry jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was p8led high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[plugcrazy]

18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..

17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago
13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity. 1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[ledhead36]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son saying,

'All of you sons of b !tches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are gettingon, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.'



The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house'.Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.


When you come out, you may play with your train.....but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say........
'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and we hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'


As the mother began to smile,the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,please see the B!tch in the kitchen.........

[rockhopper]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[seamonkey]

Fishermen and the Truth


A fisherman got such a reputation for stretching the truth that he bought a pair of scales and insisted on weighing every fish he caught in front of a witness.
All went well until, one day a doctor borrowed the scales to weigh a newborn baby. The baby weighed forty-seven pounds!

[stripermania]

http://sz0132.wc.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=16400&part=2

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine

Cheese
Chocolate
Margarita
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

[i bd fossil]

hookset;; good one but i must be slow, had to think about it for a few,then LOL!!!

[basshunter]

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Pebbles]

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?


An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the
Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Eacha of DA trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

[surfwalker]

Esso tutto addizionare su per a me (Very good, It all adds up to me.)

[Pebbles]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads. "Low Bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Go stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[baitstealer]

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.

[Pebbles]

http://www.familyfunshop.com/imagesfishingfallthreefortwocomic600pxw.jpg

[crosseyedbass]

Then God Made New Jersey

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth
and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black
people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land
mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's New Jersey, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from New Jersey are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouthed people I'm
putting next to them in New York."

[cowherder]

Then God Made New Jersey

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouthed people I'm
putting next to them in New York."


:ROFLMAOcrosseyed that's funny and true at the same time. I don't know what part of NY you are from, but I have been on the BQE once and was lost. You guys have no patience for people who don't drive around like maniacs. You can keep NY for yourselves, no offence intended.:D

[DarkSkies]

Sent by Rip-plugger, thanks Roddy! :HappyWave:



What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?







A crazy ***** who WILL find you!

[Frankiesurf]

Then God Made New Jersey

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth
and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black
people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land
mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's New Jersey, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from New Jersey are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouthed people I'm
putting next to them in New York."

I have an issue with this joke.

Have you never been to the Jersey Shore in the summer? It makes City Island look high class.:ROFLMAO:ROFLMAO

[DarkSkies]

I have an issue with this joke.

Have you never been to the Jersey Shore in the summer? It makes City Island look high class.:ROFLMAO:ROFLMAO

Yep, we have all the freaks in Belmar & Seaside. Only problem, half of em come from LI. ;)


8577

8578

8579

[Pebbles]

Santa is missing! (make sure you go to the end to see santa)

http://1funny.com/santa-is-missing/

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix :HappyWave:



A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,



they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,

he in the upper berth and she in the lower.




At 1:00 AM,

the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying.....



'Ma'am,



I'm sorry to bother you,

but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?






I'm awfully cold.'





'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,........

let's pretend that we're married.'




'Wow!.........................

That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.




'Good,' she replied. .............

'Get your own f------- blanket.'







After a moment of silence,


......................he farted. :ROFLMAO



The End

[DarkSkies]

Another one sent in by Surfstix :HappyWave:





WALMART GREETER






My 1 day employment



8995



So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'



The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'



So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'



My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

[porgy75]

loving husband

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks. (a little late for Christmas) :lookhappy:

You' ve been Elfed !!!








Life is all about asses.
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.




That's right, you've been 'elfed'. Pass this on to as many people



As possible, but you can't send it back to the person who sent it



To you. He who elfs last, elfs loudest!!!!

















Happy Holidays

[storminsteve]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again. The frightened burglar stopped dead.
Frantically, he looked all around; in a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage with a parrot inside. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said ‘Jesus is watching me’?"
"Yes," replied the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What’s your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That’s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
Replied the parrot, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

[storminsteve]

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, "Did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

[finchaser]

Once upon a time there were four older ladies that lived in Italy . They always sat outside and chatted about when they were younger. One day they pooled their money together and bought a laptop computer.

9197





They always wanted to see what Florida was
about and they just happened to click on St.Augustine, FL. and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there. They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles of the magic water.
As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could.
The rest of this story will make you a believer because here they are today.

9198









No, this is really TRUE! Really!


I have a limitedsupply of this water available at $1250.00 a bottle...


HURRY BEFORE INVENTORY RUNS OUT.

[DarkSkies]

I have a limitedsupply of this water available at $1250.00 a bottle...


HURRY BEFORE INVENTORY RUNS OUT.



Good one. :lookhappy:

So if we sell a couple bottles of that, maybe Killie :HappyWave:can get himself a real phone instead of those make-believe phones he keeps buyin. :laugh:

I'm thinking of running a charity auction...Help poor Killie buy a new phone so he can get Finchaser's up to date fishin reports and log the inventory of fishing gear. :rolleyes: :ROFLMAO

[crosseyedbass]

This pill allows you to fly

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[voyager35]

Boy goes to Church instead of FishingOne recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[stripermania]

A guy rings his boss.
I can't come to work today.
The boss asks why?
The Guy says it's my eyes.
What's wrong with your eyes the boss asks?
I just can't see myself coming to work,
I see myself going fishing instead!

[Pebbles]

The Redhead





A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down,





but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it



up to you," she says..

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!





"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .


Wait for it. . ..



It's coming. . .



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



She says..




"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Pebbles]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.




The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened To you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched Him all night."



The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.


The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.."

[baitstealer]

He said . . I don't now why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**************************************************
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
**************************************************
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
**************************************************
On a wall in a ladies room .. . "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
*************************************************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
**************************************************
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
**************************************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
**************************************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
**************************************************
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.
**************************************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
**************************************************
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
**************************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

[storminsteve]

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
**************************************************


Yup, you can say that for the metrosexuals too. I'm glad none of my buds are like that. If a guy gets a manicure or spends too much time in the mirror he's a sausage smuggler for sure.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks! :HappyWave:





Tiger shark spotted off of South Florida beaches


9783

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Why Quarterbacks Need Short Last Names

9980

9981

9982

9983

9984

[buckethead]

A guy walks in to a pharmacy a nd says to the pharmacist "give me a bottle of viagra"
the pharm. responds " do you have a prescription?"
guy says "No but heres apicture of my wife"

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!


Snowplow

>

> One winter morning a

> husband and wife in central Minnesota

> were

> listening to the radio during

> breakfast.

>

> They heard the announcer say,

> "We are going to have 8 to 10

> inches of snow today.

>

> You must park your

> car on the even-numbered side

> of the street, so the

> snowplows can get

> through." So the good wife

> went out and moved her car.

>

> A week later while

> they are eating breakfast again,

> the radio announcer

> said, "We are

> expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today.

>

> You must park your

> car on the

> odd-numbered side of the street, so the

> snowplows can get

> through."

> The good wife went out and moved her car again.

>

>

> The next week they are again having

> breakfast, when

> the radio announcer

> says, "We are expecting 12 to 14

> inches of snow today.

>

> You must

> park...." Then the electric power

> went out.

>

> The good wife was very

> upset, and with a worried look on her

> face she said,

> "Honey, I don't

> know what to do. Which side of the street

> do I need to

> park on so the

> snowplows can get through?"

>

>

> With the love and understanding in his

> voice that all

> men who are

> married to blondes exhibit, the husband

> replied,

> "Why don't you just

> leave it in the garage this

> time."

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!





IRS AUDIT

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"




"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"




"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the Know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete ****."

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Gjb, thanks!


10308


To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars..... See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


Enjoy The Ride, Life is Short!!

[cowherder]

http://stripersandanglers.com/Forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=10308&d=1268230943

good one gjb, I like this picture because my neighbor is an *******. :clapping:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by the old grouchy basstard, OGB....thanks!



TRIP TO COSTCO:




I don't know if the following is a true story, but thanks to my brother-in-law for sharing it. If you need a good laugh, read on:

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had; an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


God Bless America

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!


WHY WOMEN CAN'T FIX CARS














It would never have crossed my mind.
Another one of life's mysteries explained!!
It honestly never occurred to me.
Why Women Can't Fix Cars...

I always thought it had something to do with their fingernails!!!!


Who Knew??


10328

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


I like the slinky analogy. ;)




THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

[surferman]

A striper fisherman leaves the beach early one night realizing that the water was to dirty and for the most part it was going to be a waste of time. He returns home early and sneaks in to find his wife under another man in bed. The bass man takes out his bunker knife and stabs the fellow in the back and through his heart killing him instantly.

His wife throws the dead man off of her, sits up and confronts this tired and now sad looking fisherman. She says, “If you continues with this type of behavior your going to have no fishing friends left for this fall“

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
Forever.

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: I) no mind ii) no business


Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
Marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.

Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.


Pass this on to some women who need a laugh.
And to men who can handle it!

[jigfreak]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some ***** willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!


The Three Stages Of A Man's Life

PG-Rated

SINGLE
http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/p/200612/image001.jpg
http://ads.pugetsoundsoftware.com/www/delivery/lg.php?bannerid=23&campaignid=11&zoneid=0&channel_ids=,&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forwardedfunnies.com%2Fthe_th ree_stages_of_a_mans_life_001141.html&referer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Fsearch%3Fhl% 3Den%26source%3Dhp%26q%3DThe+Three+Stages+Of+A+Man %2527s+Life+%26btnG%3DGoogle+Search%26aq%3Df%26aqi %3D%26aql%3D%26oq%3D%26gs_rfai%3D&cb=221a21cfde
MARRIED
http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/p/200612/image002.jpg
DIVORCED
http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/p/200612/image003.jpg

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Dog for Sale

PG-Rated


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
Dog for Sale

10600

http://ads.pugetsoundsoftware.com/www/delivery/lg.php?bannerid=23&campaignid=11&zoneid=0&channel_ids=,&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forwardedfunnies.com%2Fdog_fo r_sale_002353.html&referer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Fsearch%3Fhl% 3Den%26q%3Ddog+for+sale+forwarded+funnies%26btnG%3 DSearch%26aq%3Df%26aqi%3D%26aql%3D%26oq%3D%26gs_rf ai%3D&cb=0413331458




http://ads.pugetsoundsoftware.com/www/delivery/lg.php?bannerid=23&campaignid=11&zoneid=0&channel_ids=,&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forwardedfunnies.com%2Fdog_fo r_sale_002353.html&referer=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Fsearch%3Fhl% 3Den%26q%3Ddog+for+sale+forwarded+funnies%26btnG%3 DSearch%26aq%3Df%26aqi%3D%26aql%3D%26oq%3D%26gs_rf ai%3D&cb=0413331458



He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
(http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/dog_for_sale_002353.html#)sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

And the Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

[VSdreams]

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery...
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

Sherubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.' The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!



A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated

By a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

[jigfreak]

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

:laugh: :clapping::clapping:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!


Italian Fire Truck!



One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat funginga truck!!'

[baitstealer]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly
from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your
mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As
the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see
officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE
HECK UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking" http://www.thejump.net/board/images/smiles/beerchug.gif

[surferman]

Why fishing is better than sex. Why fishing is better than sex.#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[cowherder]

Why fishing is better than sex. Why fishing is better than sex.#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.


#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.




Ha Ha good one!

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!


I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom". ?
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.?

[Pebbles]

What Is Generation Y?




Hmm, I've always wondered this myself... now I know.



- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..




- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.




- Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979.




- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009




Why do we call the last group Generation Y?




I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

Learned something new today!





Scroll down.





10723

[lostatsea]

Don't fart in your wetsuit

10727

[DarkSkies]

Don't fart in your wetsuit

10727

I love that one Lostatsea. :laugh:
When I learn photoshop I'll be pasting Zimno from 247's head on that. :thumbsup:




*********************
Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


I just want to thank all of you for your "educational" e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.




I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel..

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)..

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5..00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump... I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .






Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" :heart:


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit." :eek: :laugh:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!



Subject: Irishman on an Island
>
>
> Irishman on an Island !
>
> One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
> over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, ' It's
> certainly not a ship.'
>
> As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
> possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
>
> Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
> Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet
> suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
>
> She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long
> has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
>
> "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
>
> With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
> sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
> lighter.
>
> He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
>
> "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost
> forgotten how great a smoke can be !"
>
> "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish
> Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
>
> Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

> Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
> pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
>
> He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
> shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

> At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
> of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
> asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
>
> With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,
> Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you 've got golf clubs in there too!" :laugh:

[DarkSkies]

"Goomba speech pattern"

Sent in by OGB, thanks!




'CAPEESH'







Capeeshe Italiano........


I'm sending this out to every person I know who is Italian, could be Italian, married an Italian, lived with Italians or



wants to be Italian.....!!!!!


Let's start at the beginning.


Come stai? Molto bene. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and



every Italian-American should.


But what a bout the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American, and a little slang Words every Paesano and Bacciagaloop we have heard, - words we hear throughout our Little Italy neighborhood of New York, Toronto or Boston's North End. This form of language, the 'Goomba-Italiano ' has been used for generations. It's not gangster slang terms like 'whack' or 'vig', if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real Guido talk!


The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Mama Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool (escuzzi) can also be used. Capeesh?


He uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz or a Mezzo-finookio.


There are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa


If you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ***. A crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you use it right. Don't forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego.


If you are feeling mooshadda or stounad or mezzo-morto, always head to Nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ', or some ricotta cheesecake.


Mangia some zeppoles, canolis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso!



I think I will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetza


So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and you understood anything written here!



Then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas







If you don't get any of this, then fa Nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato.






Scuzi, Mia dispiachay, I didn't mean that....... Just....... Fugheddaboudit



'CAPEESH?'

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks.

Kids, don't you just love em? ;)



10965
Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.''

KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM?

[hookset]

Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

[baitstealer]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* * (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)
MALE PROCEDURE: (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti) 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

(http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)





FEMALE PROCEDURE: (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)
[What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth! (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)] 1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)

3. Set parking brake, put the window down. (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Revers e back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

(http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)




(http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)

[porgy75]

Alittle boy goes to his

Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'


Dad says, 'Well son, let
Me try to explain it this way:


I am the head of the
Family, so call me The Prime Minister.


Your mother is the
Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.



We are here to take care
Of your needs, so we will call you the People.






?The nanny, we will

Consider her the Working


Class.


And your baby brother,
We will call him the Future.


Now think about that and
See if it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes
Off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later that night, he
Hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.



He finds that the baby
Has severely soiled his nappy.


So the little boy goes
To his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


?






Not wanting to wake her,

He goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
In the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.


He gives up and goes back to


bed.


The next morning, the
Little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
Concept of politics now. '


The father says, 'Good,
Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
About.'


The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep
****.'

[bababooey]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks.

Kids, don't you just love em? ;)



She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.''

KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM?


Children say the darndest things!:d
Anyone ever been with your child and they ask an overweight woman in the mall if they are pregnant? Priceless.

[skinner]

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[Pebbles]

And God Created New Jersey ...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For
example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over
here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a

continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will
be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered
in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land
area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's New Jersey , the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests,
hills, and plains. The people from New Jersey are going to
be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of
good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But
what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Not very far from New Jersey is Washington , DC
. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[surfstix1963]

That punch line is priceless Pebbles.:HappyWave:

[Pebbles]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!


This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'




http://f456.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f91067%5fADbFtEQAAG0GTAZezAGCwATij lA&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1






'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!
'
'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.


He said

to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'


She asked if she could look, so he showed her!



She said
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already gott the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

[surfstix1963]

Good one Pebbles lmao.

[speedy]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!


This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'




http://f456.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f91067%5fADbFtEQAAG0GTAZezAGCwATij lA&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1






'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!
'
'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.


He said

to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'


She asked if she could look, so he showed her!



She said
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already gott the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!









that was funny lmao:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::plastered: :plastered::plastered:

[stripermania]

Murphy's Law in Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

[dogfish]

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Priceless!:clapping::clapping:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!



The Blonde's Skin Flick


A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Mary: "Head Cleaner."

[seamonkey]

Why fishing is better than sex. Why fishing is better than sex.#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!







JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

[skinner]

Wish I could do that and not pay the bill.

http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/funny-spider-email.gif

[buckethead]

Hikers' CommentsA wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

[wish4fish]

Hikers' CommentsA wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.



posers, lol they shud stay home if they cant handle it!

[i bd fossil]

LOL !!! The new generation has not heard of the book by Rachael Carson that caused much of the Eco-freak outrage " The Silent Storm":don't know why::don't know why::don't know why::don't know why:

[porgy75]

J

11521

[DarkSkies]

^^Good luck with that! :laugh: ;)

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!




Hope you have a great evening and

enjoy the following:










A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.





The waitress asks them for their orders.





The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"





"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.











A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.





The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."











The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."











Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.





This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.





"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.











"Same," says the ostrich.





Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."











Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.











The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"











"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."











"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"











"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..






The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"











The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."






11523











WELL HELLO !!!!!!

[DarkSkies]

LOL !!! The new generation has not heard of the book by Rachael Carson that caused much of the Eco-freak outrage " The Silent Storm":don't know why::don't know why::don't know why::don't know why:

Wow, old school, IBD fossil. I vaguely remember that book when I was a kid. :HappyWave:

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks! :plastered:



THE MAN RULES: At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side


Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1.. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1... Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight..


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

[hookedonbass]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[cracklepopper]

What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder!

[CharlieTuna]

Blonde joke ----

I hope this one is ok for here.


A blonde walks into the local convenience store for a quart of milk. She goes to the counter and asks the clerk where the milk is.
He asks " do you want it pasteurized?"

She thinks a second about this, and then says -- "No, just up to my **** will be fine." :rolleyes:

[hookedonbass]

THINGS TO PONDER:

1. Schizophrenia beats being alone.

2. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

3. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!




Fw: NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS

Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money --------------- fifty-thousand dollars.


Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying.

She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .' The first FBI
guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here...:kooky: .

[baitstealer]

You know your in America when:

a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
-- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
-- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
-- people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
-- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.

[voyager35]

Irish jokes, be careful with drinking and driving this weekend foks!


Irish Jokes
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."


**********************
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

[plugginpete]

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!



My 1 day employment
http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f38285%5fAIHFtEQAAO4mTDShnweZTlgiS Zs&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[jigfreak]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[Pebbles]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO


HEAVEN




The day finally


arrived.





Forrest Gump dies and


goes to Heaven.





He is


atthe Pearly Gates,


met by St. Peter himself.





However, the gates are


closed, and Forrest approaches the


gatekeeper.




St. Peter said, 'Well,


Forrest, it is certainly good to see


you.



We have heard a lot


about you.



I must tell you, though,


that the place is filling up fast,





and we have been


administering an entrance examination for


everyone.



The test is short, but


you have to pass it before you can get into


Heaven.'




Forrest responds, 'It


sure is good to be here, St. Peter,


sir.



But nobody ever told me


about any entrance exam.



I sure hope that the


test ain't too hard.



Life was a big


enough test as it was.'





St . Peter continued,


'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is



only


three questions.




First:




What two days of the


week begin with the letter T?




Second:




How many seconds are


there in a year?



Third:




What is God's first


name?'




Forrest leaves to think


the questions


over.




He


returns the next day and sees St. Peter,





who


waves him up, and says,



'Now


that you have had a chance to think the





questions


over, tell me your answers.'





Forrest


replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins


with the letter


'T'?





Shucks,


that one is easy. That


would be



Today and


Tomorrow..'



The


Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,





'Forrest,


that is not what I was thinking,





but


you do have a point, and I guess I did



not specify, so I will


give you credit for that


answer.



How


about the next one?' asked St. Peter.



'How


many seconds in a year?




Now


that one is harder,'replied Forrest, '



but


I thunk and thunk about that,



and


I guess the only answer can be twelve.'





Astounded,


St. Peter said, 'Twelve?



Twelve? Forrest,


how in Heaven's name could



you


come up with twelve seconds in a year?'




Forrest replied, 'Shucks,


there's



got


to be twelve: January 2nd,



February 2nd, March 2nd...


'


'Hold


it,' interrupts St.Peter.



'I


see where you are going with this,



and


I see your point,



though


that was not quite what



I had in mind.... but I


will have to give



you


credit for that one, too.



Let


us go on with the third and final question.




Can


you tell me God's first name'?




'Sure,'


Forrest replied,





'it's


Andy.'







'Andy?' exclaimed an


exasperated



and


frustrated St Peter.



'Ok, I can understand how


you



came


up with your answers to my



first two questions, but


just how in the



world


did you come up with the



name Andy as the first


name of God?'




'Shucks, that was the


easiest



one


of all,' Forrest replied.



'I


learnt it from the song,






ANDY


WALKS WITH ME,





ANDY


TALKS WITH ME,





ANDY


TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'



St. Peter opened the


Pearly Gates,



and


said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

[storminsteve]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO




HEAVEN






St. Peter opened the




Pearly Gates,





and



said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'






Run Forrest run!:cool:
11696

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

1drufQi_nxI

[baitstealer]

Little Johnny and the math teacher...
(August 3, 2010)

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

[plugginpete]

Advice From Men To Women
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!

9 months
>later!!!
>
>
>
> John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan
>and headed north.
>
>
> After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they
>pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
>they could spend the night.
>
> 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
>myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will
>talk if I let you stay in my house.'
>
> 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
>weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men
>found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
>
>
> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>
> But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
>It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
>from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>
> He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that
>good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
>9 months ago?'
>
> 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
>
> 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
>and pay her a visit?'
>
> 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to
>admit that I did.'
>
> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
>
> Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
> 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
>
> 'She just died and left me everything.'
>
>
> (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you
>smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


A male patient is lying
>in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen

mask over his mouth and
>nose.. A young student nurse appears to



give him a partial sponge
>bath.







"Nurse,"' he mumbles from
>behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"







Embarrassed, the young
>nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only



here to wash your upper
>body and feet."







He struggles to ask again,
>"Nurse, please check for me. Are



my testicles black?"







Concerned that he might
>elevate his blood pressure and



heart rate from worrying about his
>testicles, she overcomes her



embarrassment and pulls
>back the covers.







She raises his gown, holds
>his manhood in one hand and his testicles



in the other.







She looks very closely
>and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,



Sir. They look fine."







The man slowly pulls off
>his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says



very slowly, "Thank you
>very much. That was wonderful. Now listen



very, very closely:



>
Are my test results

back?"

[lostatsea]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!



The man slowly pulls off
>his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says



very slowly, "Thank you
>very much. That was wonderful. Now listen



very, very closely:



>
Are my test results

back?"

ha good one!

[hookset]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

[DarkSkies]

Good one Hookset. :)


A trip to Costco,
sent in by OGB, thanks!



A TRIP TO Costco


Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all
your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks.


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.




The Cow said: I give 50 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!




The Ant said: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
















































************


Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... :ROFLMAO :ROFLMAO

[captnemo]

Old farts sometimes have valuable skills and knowledge, good joke.

[DarkSkies]

Yup Captnemo, you're right. I know quite a few old farts, and my life has been enriched by each of them. :thumbsup:


*****************


Sent in by OGB, thanks!


Senior Bus Trip

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, because who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

[stripermania]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck