LOL !!! The new generation has not heard of the book by Rachael Carson that caused much of the Eco-freak outrage " The Silent Storm":don't know why::don't know why::don't know why::don't know why:
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LOL !!! The new generation has not heard of the book by Rachael Carson that caused much of the Eco-freak outrage " The Silent Storm":don't know why::don't know why::don't know why::don't know why:
^^Good luck with that! :laugh: ;)
Sent in by OGB, thanks!
Hope you have a great evening and
enjoy the following:
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Attachment 11523
WELL HELLO !!!!!!
Sent in by Surfstix, thanks! :plastered:
THE MAN RULES: At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us..
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1 .. You have too many shoes.
1.. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1... Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight..
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?
He got the cold shoulder!
Blonde joke ----
I hope this one is ok for here.
A blonde walks into the local convenience store for a quart of milk. She goes to the counter and asks the clerk where the milk is.
He asks " do you want it pasteurized?"
She thinks a second about this, and then says -- "No, just up to my **** will be fine." :rolleyes:
THINGS TO PONDER:
1. Schizophrenia beats being alone.
2. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
3. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
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Fw: NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS
Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money --------------- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying.
She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .' The first FBI
guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here...:kooky: .
You know your in America when:
a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
-- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
-- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
-- people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
-- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.
Irish jokes, be careful with drinking and driving this weekend foks!
Irish Jokes
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
**********************
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
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My 1 day employment
http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/down...Inbox&inline=1
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
FORREST GUMP GOES TO
HEAVEN
The day finally
arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and
goes to Heaven.
He is
atthe Pearly Gates,
met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are
closed, and Forrest approaches the
gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well,
Forrest, it is certainly good to see
you.
We have heard a lot
about you.
I must tell you, though,
that the place is filling up fast,
and we have been
administering an entrance examination for
everyone.
The test is short, but
you have to pass it before you can get into
Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It
sure is good to be here, St. Peter,
sir.
But nobody ever told me
about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the
test ain't too hard.
Life was a big
enough test as it was.'
St . Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is
only
three questions.
First:
What two days of the
week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are
there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first
name?'
Forrest leaves to think
the questions
over.
He
returns the next day and sees St. Peter,
who
waves him up, and says,
'Now
that you have had a chance to think the
questions
over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest
replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter
'T'?
Shucks,
that one is easy. That
would be
Today and
Tomorrow..'
The
Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
'Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking,
but
you do have a point, and I guess I did
not specify, so I will
give you credit for that
answer.
How
about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How
many seconds in a year?
Now
that one is harder,'replied Forrest, '
but
I thunk and thunk about that,
and
I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded,
St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest,
how in Heaven's name could
you
come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks,
there's
got
to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...
'
'Hold
it,' interrupts St.Peter.
'I
see where you are going with this,
and
I see your point,
though
that was not quite what
I had in mind.... but I
will have to give
you
credit for that one, too.
Let
us go on with the third and final question.
Can
you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,'
Forrest replied,
'it's
Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an
exasperated
and
frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how
you
came
up with your answers to my
first two questions, but
just how in the
world
did you come up with the
name Andy as the first
name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the
easiest
one
of all,' Forrest replied.
'I
learnt it from the song,
ANDY
WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY
TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY
TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the
Pearly Gates,
and
said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Run Forrest run!:cool:
Attachment 11696
Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!
Little Johnny and the math teacher...
(August 3, 2010)
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"