Did you ever drink too much coffee on a fishing trip and got the runs?
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Did you ever drink too much coffee on a fishing trip and got the runs?
It happens. Good idea to bring some rolls with you to stabilize your stomach. Also immodium.
I was fishin with G and part of his crew the other week. We had a blast telling about the funniest or most embarassing crap stories we had. For those of yas who got the stones to put it out on the internet, let's hear em! :kooky:
One of mine:
I was 20, had a 18 yr old hottie that I was in love with. She's one that I look back with regret and wonder why things didn't work out differently with. Anyway, she had serious psychological problems, she wanted to be with me the most when she was with someone else, and ended up marrying a guy who beat her. Go figure. :kooky:
Back to the story. I was bringin her and her girlfriend up to my place for some partying, I actually had some game way back then, pimp hand was strong. :ROFLMAO: We had to drive over an hour to get to my place, and I was up for 2 days with the different substances I was doin. I also drank a thermos of coffee before we started the trip.
We were drivin in the car, tunes blastin, great vibe, good jokes, I was on top of the world, and goin back to my place to party with 2 luscious babes. :naughty: :dribble:
Someone made a joke, and I started laughing, unfortunately at the same time releasing part of the thermos of coffee in my pants as my bowels forgot their function in the natural order of things.
Immediately I realized the need to pull over before the impending stench would let the hotties realize what I did. I cracked the window, muttering something about needing fresh air, and pulled over. "Gotta take a quick leak", I said as I ran out of the car. :cool:
I made it about 100 feet back in the woods bvefore I was hit with a 2nd explosion. Took care of that, but as I dropped my pants to get into position, I was greeted with a disgusting sight...
chocolate pudding everywhere! :eek::upck:
I took my clothes off, got rid of the pudding underwear, wiped up as best as I could, and got everything back together. However there was still a foul stench to deal with, and I used everything within hand's reach to wipe up and clean back there.
Good thing there was no poison ivy around. :laugh:
I must have been back there for almost 15 minutes. The girls were beeping the horn and yelling out to the woods, asking me where the hell I was.
(Women keep us waiting all the time, but God forbid you keep a woman waiting!) ;)
So I made my way back to the car, making up a lame excuse how I went to take a leak, and fell down in a ditch. I don't think they believed me, but they were half high anyway. I think I did a pretty good job takin care of the stench. Just to be sure, I took a shower when we got home.
Didn't matter, because I didn't get lucky that night. We just got drunk and high, and I had to take them home the next day. Story of my life, but there were at least a few good sex stories in the middle somewhere. :naughty:
So let's hear some of the other stories out there, gonna be a long weekend till the rain clears. :moon:
:ROFLMAO: :kooky: (I absolutely can't beat that one Dark, you take the pudding on that one);)
My story- I was in college, eating at a Chinese restaurant with my buddies. I was a little drunk at the time, and they dared me to eat some green wasabi with the sushi. Not only did I accept, I boasted that no one would ever be able to beat my achievement. They filled an ice cream plate with wasabi. Armed with 2 glasses of water, I ate 2 ice cream huge scoops of it. I was playing it cool, and they were high fiving me. I was a little nerdy in college, so this made me the king in their eyes. Let's face it, my friends were nerdy too.
About an hour after we got back to the dorm, there was a rumbling in my stomach. I was still a little drunk and ignored it, until it could be ignored no more. I ran to the bathroom. No pudding here, but I had the most explosive diarrhea. I was glad I made that toilet. If I could have added a few colors when I was done, other than the basic putrid brown, they would have called me Picasso. Unfortunately the bad part was I had to clean it up the next morning when I was discovered to be the mad bomber. It's not a good idea to wait till the next day to clean something like that up. The most delicate way I can phrase it was it was like picking dried cement flecks off the sidewalk, after it has dried to the cement that was there already.:eek:
TMI, dude!:D My story is short but not sweet. My girlfriend and I were down at the shore house of her parents. I had a lot of barbequed hot wings at a shindig they were throwing, and maybe a few too many beers. You know when you eat hot or spicy foods you get some kind of a warning when you're in trouble, and I had that. I made my way to the bathroom, someone was telling a joke, I laughed at it, crapped my pants.:burn:Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkSkies
Unfortunately the pants still smelled even after I washed them in the bathroom, so I quietly snuck out and did the 10 mile drive to my house to get a change of clothes. My girlfriend was the jealous type. When I got back, she saw I had new clothes on. She was a little drunk and almost accused me of leaving to be with another girl. I told her "smell my hands!" I was a little buzzed too and didn't wash them too great I guess. She expected to smell perfume, but instead got eau de skunk. I felt it was kind of cruel, but with her jealousy she deserved it. Sort of like when you are arguing with your wife or girlfriend in bed, and you give her a Dutch oven underneath the covers. ***** deserved it, and we broke up after that anyway.:D
This thread is starting to leave too foul a stench. ;) Here's my story sad but true, fell in love with a girl called runaround Sue, and then we got married-:laugh:
"A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
No story for me, you guys are ill. But Harold and Kumar wanted to chime in.:D
Ha ha that was hilarious SC roflmfao every time I see that movie!:ROFLMAO:
One of my stories----
I was fishing this isolated place that a friend turned me on to. Not the jetties, but some rocks there just the same. He left, and I kept fishing. Some nice blues and bass, 10-15#. As things wind down I needed to take a dump. I positioned myself in a nice natural cut in the rocks, did my thing, and repositioned my clothes and waders to go back up to where I was. I slipped on the rocks and went tumbling about 10 feet. I didn't hurt too much but my knee and my pride. Some of those rocks do get slippery.
Here's one I found on the net.;)
A couple of evenings ago, I was browsing through PoopReport when I came upon an article which contained a reference to farts (not inconceivable by any means). My curiosity stimulated, I ran a search on google, and discovered a site dedicated to this topic.
Browsing through this site, it wasn't long before my visual receptors were bombarded with these two words: "fart lighting". I wanted to know more. My second google search for the evening led me to the "Durham University Fart Lighting Society." Through careful analysis of the information contained therein, I learned that the procedure for lighting farts was as follows:
- Strike match
- Bend over
- Let 'er rrrrip
I rushed to the kitchen, located, cooked and ate some baked beans, along with an apple and an orange. I also munched on some old bran cereal with soy milk. I know this sounds like I was toying with my bowels -- but this was in the interests of science, of a better world for all mankind.
I already needed to poop really bad, and I had been farting consistently for the past half-hour anyway. When the foodstuffs kicked in, my anus was roaring.
I went into the kitchen, pulled down my pants, struck a match and let one rip. The fart was smallish, but the follow-through was phenomenal. It was as if my anus was a dam wall, and a rushing brown torrent had burst through. This extinguished the flame, and splattered onto my pants and the floor. I reckon there was a half-liter of poop in there.
Turns out the poop saved my life -- or at least my ability to have children. A closer examination of the website after I had cleaned up revealed that one must never light farts when not wearing pants. Otherwise, your pubic hair can be set on fire, causing considerable damage to a rather sensitive area.
Although my fart lighting days are over before they even started, I would really like to hear from anyone who has:-- by fecaltreacle
- Tried lighting farts, and succeeded
- Tried lighting farts, and had a similar experience to mine, or other
- Has any pointers on this extreme sport.
i lifted this from another site several years ago. can't remember the author; don't think anybody will ever beat it.
"Back in July this year. Too much to drink the night before, and bad
food. I'm driving from Weekapaug headed to Quonny. I get to the light
and the gut starts talking to me REAL LOUD. Now I'm debating...go
straight and hit the Mobil or take the right and hit the potta-potties
( if any of you listen to Howie Carr you know the reference )I go
right. About 10 seconds down the road my A-hole is screaming at me,
should of gone straight. There are about 5 vehicles behind me. I'm
sweatin it as my butt hole is clenched as tight as possible but the
fist in my stomach is doin' its damndest to push out the foul mixture.
I look in the back of the van. I don't have a googan bucket ( bad,
very bad ) no where to pull over and dump. I look back again and see
my eel cooler ( soft six pack cooler ) of course it has a 1/2 dz. eels
in it w/ ice. next to the cot. Decision is now be'in made for me.
Thank God I didn't have my neo's on. I practically power slide over to
the side of the road and bail into the back. Drop trough as I am
unzipping the cooler. Of course I forgot to slam it into park so the
van starts moving the same time as my bowels. I just reached over and
bang it into neutral for the time being " Ka Thunk " ( no, not my A
hole the tranny ). I grab hold of the cooler and don't even get to a
squat and projectile crapping has commenced. Well let's just say the
eels became pretty active suddenly and that cooler was filling up too
quick. I look out the back of the van windows and who's sitting there?
Yep, Charlestowns finest. He walks up to the drivers window and the
smell must have been the trigger. I'm looking through the side window
at him and he probably can only see my siloutte ( tinted ). He asks "
is everything OKAY in there? I'm sh!ttin my pants both ways. I reply I
needed a sudden restroom break and that currently the back of my van
is Rhode Islands newest Porta Potty. He kinda chuckles and walks over
to the side where the sliding door is. I crack the sliding door and he
pulls it back about a foot and looks in. Now he can see the cooler.
The eels are squirming around in the plastic bag under this pile of
... and his eyes are like... OH MY GOD. He turns around gagging. Now
I'm laughing and crapping at the same time. He walked back to his
patrol car and pulled away. I kid you not. He must have thought I just
gave birth to the spawn of Satan. I grabbed a roll of TP I always have
in the van and proceed to finish up. That was one of the best Sh!ts I
have ever had regarding relief. I laughed quite a bit on my way to
Quonny thinking... what would the ticket have been for?"
You owe me a new screen! I spit soda all over it when I read that, the people around me thought I was haveing a seizure. Classic. :clapping::clapping::clapping:Quote:
Originally Posted by jonthepain
Ticket - COE, crapping on the eels. Fine, useless; experience, priceless.:ROFLMAO
Yeah where is peta when the eels are being buried in crap. Someone should have called them in for a crappy eel rescue.
Ba-da-bomp.:D
That's great. My friggin stomach is killing me.
I first visited Florida in 1980. My buddy Sonny had given me a tour of some of the beaches and parks and the thing that impressed me the most was the cleanliness of the bathrooms. I can't be sure if they were well maintained or just not used very often, but every one that I went into was spotless. :thumbsup:
I moved down in the fall of 85 and started longlining out of Pompano beach. A few months later they were rebuilding the docks and our whole fleet fished out of Naples for the next few months. Naples was a lovely place and at the time had the highest per capita income in the country.
Some time in the mid winter a group of us stopped into the local diner for some breakfast. The guys went back to their boats while i decided to take a look at the Naples pier. I wached a guy at the end of the pier nailing some small drum so i sat back and enjoyed the show and the sun. Unfortunately my relaxation would be cut short as my insides started growling and nature called. :scared:
I knew I wouldn't make it back to the marina in time, so I stopped into the mens room on the pier. I figured no problem, never saw an outhouse in Florida I didn't like. What I found when I walked through the door was the most disgusting bathroom I had ever seen in the Sunshine state and to add insult to injury no door on the stall. :burn:
I ran off the pier and started jogging down the beach. A few snowbirds sunbathing, but no one swimming. I ran about 200 yards form the pier, kicked off my sneakers and took off my shirt and dove in. I swam out a ways, out of eyesight from the sun bathers, dropped my shorts and let loose. There's a first time for everything and this was my first "in the water expulsion". Any thoughts of secrecy were quickly dashed as the expectant log was no where to be seen. :whoo: Instead I had a bad case of the squirts and a brown stain rose up around me. Normally cool when the going gets tough, I started to freak out and tried to backstroke my way out of that cesspool as I was completely enveloped in ****. :wow: Wouldn't want to swallow any tainted water accidently doing the breast stroke or the crawl. :upck:
My kicking only made things worse as I was completely engulfed in the brown water. I was panicing and can only imagine the look of horror that came over my face, I was swimming in ****. :eek:
I let loose again and repeated the performance as seemingly hundreds of little brown bits surrounded me :bigeyes: and I had hoped that I had distanced myself far enough away from the pier and beach that my frantic thrashing and discolored water would go unseen. While the people on the pier and snowbirds on the beach may have been oblivious to my plight, my actions had not gone unnoticed. The native gulls terns and pelicans came out of nowhere and from a distance this certainly could have been mistaken for a blitz. :embarassed: These birds loved eating ****. :drool: Who knew :don't know why:
The birds were everywhere first a gull then a tern and then a pelican all partaking in the happy meal. I had a fish eye view of this avian feeding frenzy and frankly the pelicans were coming a little too close for comfort. I was sure my secret was out, but I regained my composure and put some distance between me the birds and the chum slick. They hung around for awhile feasting on the little turds, then disappeared when the last nuggets were eaten and the sea was quiet once again.
As soon as I got out of the mess I threw on my shorts and switched from the back stroke to a freestyle and kept swimming up the beach. When I was away from the scene of the crime and no folks in sight I swam ashore and headed back to the marina. I'll never know for sure if anyone was the wiser but somebody had to have figured it out I changed into some dry clothes and went back later on for my shirt and sneakers.
You know, I never did fish that pier :D
__________________
Shaky, that's some wild first post, welcome.
Quote:
Originally Posted by surfwalker
Another warm welcome from me for one of our new members Shaky! :HappyWave:
He's been here for a while now, and I didn't want to embarass him, so I kept quiet waiting for him to post.
And his first post is an incredible crapping story, rotflmfao funny. :ROFLMAO If there was a contest, I would have to nominate that story for the winner so far. :clapping::clapping:
Shaky has hundreds more stories like that. He's lived all over the place and done all kinds of fishing. Anyone who knows him will vouch for the fact that the stories are entertaining enough to keep ya listening out in 40 egree weather with the wind blowing. :scared:
His stories are rough, raw, not politically correct, and told in the style guys used to tell them sitting around the tackle shops years ago.
I'm hoping he decides to write a book someday, he's that entertaining.
Welcome Shaky, glad ya decided to stop by! :thumbsup:
Your lucky there weren't boats out their chasing birds.:d
Welcome to the site.
Hey Shaky, long time no speak. How are ya?
I doubt you could embarrass me Rich. Haven't been posting much of anything, anywhere. Will try to finish the book I started. My nephew is bugging me about it now.Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkSkies
Fishing, I'm just a hack. Unfortunately when it comes to ******** and crapping I know more than I'd like.
Doing okay, been out of work for some time now while I upgraded the body. Got me some new hips and cleaned up the knees a bit. May run some stuff by you in the near future. I need to finish what I started :embarassed:Quote:
Originally Posted by jonthepain
Welcome Shaky, great first post :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky
Shaky that is a Pooplitzer prize winning story.:wow:
Welcome to stripers & anglers. Look forward to seeing more like that.
bring it on; i got laid off yesterday from my architectural gig so I'm going back into publishing again full-bore.Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky
glad your upgrade went well. guess you're a regular Lee Majors now!
man dark look at what hank and i started we will have to come up with some new ones i think there some good one up here:upck:
I just read that story again. Happy meal?:scared: :upck:I was eating a late dinner reading that, who describes little turds as a happy meal? Fantastic character development there and an epic story, dude.Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky
McDonalds, duh. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by storminsteve
Quote:
who describes little turds as a happy meal?
rofl!Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky
boy some days they just tee em up for ya
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky
I know about the Mcdonalds happy meals.:rolleyes:
My point was that I never heard of anyone equating a Happy Meal with little brown turds, did that come from smoking medicinal herbs or does that kind of thinking come naturally?
Either way it's evil genius, totally sick thinking.:plastered::thumbsup:
No herb. I've told the story numerous times and never referred to the turds as happy meals. Writing is different. I wrote this a few years ago for a crapping thread on another site. It was buried fifteen pages in. My thinking is twisted, but I can't turn the writing on like everyone would like. That's why the thread went fifteen pages before I jumped in. It just pops into my head and then it's gone. Hard to explain.Quote:
Originally Posted by storminsteve
The birds seemed real happy with them, you could tell by their chirping, really a no brainer. Probably had half the bull sharks in Naples circling underneath as well.:laugh:
:clapping:That's the best crapping story I have seen hands down. This could be part of a sitcom, the saga of the travelling fisherman.Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky
Quote:
Originally Posted by albiealert
If you put together half the characters on this site, (with me included of course ;)) you would have a series more worthwhile watching than the Bill Dance videos. It would be goofy, sick, and a blast all at the same time. You could even throw in a fish or 2. :d Anyone know any hollywood producers?
Welcome to the site Shaky. I look forward to more stories like that.
bump for one of the funniest threads on the site.
Talk about some crappy days! lol
Joe, a friend of mine, started a thread elsewhere.....some funny stuff, thought you people would appreciate it.....
How to Crap at the Beach....101....courtesy of Joe Lamberty......:viking:
WAAAAAAAAAY TMI Joe....:scared:Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph Lamberty
Been there done that.........Quote:
Originally Posted by LazyDog
You too, Tidewalker.....WAAAAAAY TMI....I'm so glad you didn't go any further after you told us how fresh and clean it feels......:rolleyes: :HappyWave:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tidewalker
Food, fishin all night, energy drinks.....anyone ever add Spicy Spanish food to the mix?Quote:
Originally Posted by Allejo
Better off finding a hole in a jetty and marking your spot....then when some disrespecful mook comes out to mug ya and ends up standing and casting 3 feet from ya without even saying hello.....when he finally says "Man something stinks like A SS out here!".....you can point to where you made your deposit and say......"Yup, ain't it beautiful!!!" :wow:Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph Lamberty
** Note if you really like to fish alone at all times, practice this technique over and over...;)
Had to bring these gems out to the 2nd page, Joe, some of em are priceless...Good stuff, guys..:laugh: :HappyWave:
LOL! Dude I hope you are only playing with us and you would not crap in a hole in the jetty thats sick!
^^ Willie, this thread is for entertainment purposes only. :) A lot of the stuff we put out there about me, may be embellished....but truth be told....I'm getting older...memory is fading....I may or may not have done something like that in the past. ;) :HappyWave:
OOFAh!:upck:
rofl funny thanks!
I remember reading that years ago shaky, good one!Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaky