One Day at a Time - Do You Know Bill W?

[DarkSkies]

February 11, 2009

Immunity

We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again:
"Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."
Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety,
we are in a short time as bad as ever.
If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind
nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], Page 41

Thought to Ponder....

If we want to quit drinking, we are going to have to quit
drinking.




This is a good topic for today, especially in light of that Jon shared yesterday. When I was in rehab, they told me of the progression that would happen if I were to stop, and start again. What the heck did these people know, were they the recovery police? How the heck could they be so sure?

So I really didn't believe it until it was demonstrated painfully for me through some people I knew.

A prime example of this was my friend Frankie. He went to the same school I did. When I first walked into the rooms, I saw him and his friend J there. I said you guys were the biggest burnouts I knew, man I can't believe you're in here! They laughed, and said they thought the same thing about me, and were glad I made it in.

In the beginning of my recovery, we hung out together, and sometimes went to the same AA dances, tried to hook up with the chicks there, and had fun, just like back in high school. These 2 guys were an inspiration to everyone. They worked their program, got their lives back on track, and helped a bunch of people.

Gradually in our recovery, we went to less meetings, different meetings, and saw each other less. I next ran into Frankie 5 years after that, when I picked him up hitchhiking one day. He looked bad, I could tell he was getting high again. I gave him my # and said to call me if he wanted to hit a meeting sometime. He said yeah, but I had the feeling he never would. I heard a few months later that he was dead.

One of the last people to see him alive was G, a guy who had helped me in my darkest hours by getting me into rehab. He also tried to help Frankie, but as Frankie was being admitted, he went to the bathroom before he was searched, shot up, and died soon after. He was so close to getting his life back, but it was too late.

Another interrelated story concerns G. This guy was active in the programs over 30 years after his own battles with alcohol. He was a notable figure in the recovery community, ans helped many people on the beginning path back to sanity. However, he had a son who hung out with my brother. The kid was in 5 or 6 rehabs, and still out on the streets causing trouble. Every time, you would hope for the best for him when you saw him after getting out of the latest rehab. He talked a good story, but loved alcohol and drugs more. Everyone around knew how bad he was, and how much in denial he was. Looking back, maybe he should have been sent to GOD's (Geraldine O' Delaney's) program, but for some reason he wasn't. As bad as he was, it probably would not have made a difference anyway.

All I know is that his Dad, G, tried his best to use all the resources and connections he had to help his only son. Yet nothing he did worked because his son didn't want the help, and each time the progression got worse.

This is the concept of powerlessness coming back to punch you in the face.

You would think that as much as G knew about recovery, it would be enough to help his son start a new life. But it wasn't. It must have been heartbreaking for that father to watch his son slowly dying, nothing at all he could do. It wa sad for me to watch too. When the son eventually died, I went to the funeral. Kid was 25, looked like he was 60, one of the worst corpses I had ever seen.


So the above 2 examples were very powerful illustrations to me what happens with the progression. As I said before, I know in my heart I can handle one drink, or one joint, or one of anything else. But what happens after that, when I decide it's not enough??

Sometimes the mistakes of others is what it takes for us to learn. Its extremely sad people have to die to illustrate this point, Jon. It is what it is.

Your reminiscing got to me, and thinking about the people who have helped me in so many areas of my recovery. Might be time to pay another visit to G, and see how he's doin. I know that stuff was bothering you, jon. I got some other stories like yours I'll share in another post, but this post is too loing already. Thanks for sharing, man, you helped me think about some people I haven't thought about for while. And who knows how many lurkers you may have helped with your honesty.

[mick2360]

Jon, Great post. Survival was hard. remembering old friends who didn't make it can leave me feeling guilty and wondering if I could have done more. The brutal and cold fact is that deciding to use means that we will inevitably fall. There is an old saying that the neighborhood between your ears is a dangerous place to go alone. Thanks for posting. A few of us have survivor's guilt.

I remember fallen friends, as well as those I had to leave behind to gain my own sobriety. I miss them. But I am grateful for all I have today that would not be possible had i continued drinking. Food for thought.

[jonthepain]

Thanks, men.

i've got lots of mike stories. we were very very close. i loved him more than anybody, ever. both self-employed contractors. he was a plumber, i was a painter. both have wives and 4 kids. we helped each other out a lot, personally and professionally. saw each other every day. hell, our dads were best friends, too. (both died from alchohol btw.)

we quit drinking together. i'll never forget the day we starting in again together. i stopped again; he didn't.

he's dead; i'm not.

wish it was the other way around sometimes, but there it is. too late now. plus i don't want my family to go thru the hell that his has since he died. btw he died the week before Christmas. hows that for timing?

well anyway thanks for the kind words. i guess i'll just continue to survive. it's what i do.

jon

[DarkSkies]

February 12, 2009

Selfishness

Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity,
we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.
Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation,
but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions
based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], Page 74.

Thought to Ponder....

Never become so heavenly that you're no earthly good.


A good topic for today. I learned early on to try to avoid selfish people, or at least identify how they operate so I could pick up on the signs. Sometimes they hide it well, and end up looking for giving and selfless people to take advantage of. This is one of my character defects that still needs work. Because of my history, I still tend to avoid this type of person at all costs. But that's not the whole equation. I have to learn to be more mellow when I see them operating and taking advantage of others. It's a sore spot with me, and I'm sometimes vocal about it. It's got me in trouble before, my goal is to learn how to deal with it ona more mature level.

Just the other week, a 90year old guy I know needed some work done in his house. I was too busy to handle it. His tenant had done some carpentry work in his house for a good price, so I pitched the tenant to install 2 interior doors, thinking he would not take advantage of an old man. Instead, he and a buddy went and installed 2 interior doors, same size, no complications, and charged the guy $1600 for labor because they know the guy wouldnt complain. After I found out, I did the best I could to help his family document the overcharges. The selfishness still got to me.

Another example - I needed help with a project from a long-time friend in the program. This friend was called "___ the guy who only calls you when he wants something" by others who know him. His help would have made things easier. I asked him about 10 times, he couldn't be bothered. I dealt with it myself, moved on.

The other day, I got a call from him asking my advice on his new business venture. He came into a chunk of $$, and knows I have experience in a field he knows nothing about, so now he needs my help. I did the best I could to offer him general advice, but that was it. This guy has been selfish his whole life, I tried to overlook it. It took someone else we both know to point that out to me. Selfishness can come back to bite yhou sometimes.

Lesson learned - try to surround yourself with positive people, and treat others how you want to be treated in return. You won't be guaranteed a stress-free recovery, but youll be eliminating some stresses you would be better off without.

Just because someone is drug or alcohol free, character defects still abound. We need to work on these defects to have better interactions in our new lives. I know I still have plenty of character defects, that's why I try to identify when I talk about them.

[jonthepain]

try to avoid selfish people, or at least identify how they operate so I could pick up on the signs. Sometimes they hide it well, and end up looking for giving and selfless people to take advantage of.

when i was a corrections officer, i had to be especially careful around the inmates, because they were always looking for ducks. i mean, these guys had years to perfect their manipulation skills, and had it to a t.

so i still have a problem with trusting people. my wife doesn't, and is constantly being taken advantage of. i'm surprised she hasn't sent $ to nairobi.

in my experience, there are scant few people that aren't 'operators.'

[DarkSkies]

Right on, Jon. There's a fine line between manipulating and interacting with people in your daily life. We all put up with manipulation sometimes, it's the way of the world.

Say your wife or girlfriend wants something, she doesn't have all the money to buy it. So she comes to you, talks about it a little, persuades a little, and you buy it for her. Have you been manipulated? Sure, but that's the way things go. The danger is when people take this route as preferred behavior for all their interactions with others. You were fortunate, or unfortunate? to see manipulation at its worst in the form of prisoners, who do it as naturally as we breathe.

I bet you got some stories about that part of your life. It seems like you have done a lot of everything, seen the good with the bad.

"well anyway thanks for the kind words. i guess i'll just continue to survive. it's what i do."
jon

Keep on surviving, keep on keepin on. Sometimes that's the best way for me to get through a rough patch. The good days far outnumber the bad, but anyone who says sobriety is all smooth sailin has to be exxagerating. The rough patches is what test what you're made of, and how strong your sobriety, and your faith, is. Keep comin, man.

[DarkSkies]

February 13, 2009

Essentials

Any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems
in the light of our experience can recover
provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts.
He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
We find that no one need have difficulty with the spiritual side of the program.
Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery.
But these are indispensable.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], Page 39

Thought to Ponder....

Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.





They say you can be in the program without a belief in God, agnostics are welcome. I know a great guy who is an agnostic. He has had troubles with one of his family members and the disease of alcoholism. I resepect his choice to live in a world without God, even though it's hard to grasp.

For me, I have been brought back from the dead so many times, I have to believe in God. There are too many coincidences in my life to chalk up to probability. I'm sometimes sensitive to the terrible things that people do to others in this world, the child molesters, the brutal murders, the inhumane acts of people toward each other, Sometimes I say: but if there is a God, why does all this crap happen? Answer: he can't control the evil that lurks in the hearts of people.

So a belief in God, for me, is something that helps to anchor my sobriety, keep me grounded. My belief and faith isn't always strong, but it's there. There's a member here who I look up to a lot because it seems his belief in God is unwavering. It kinda inspires me to try harder. I may not be where he is, but I'm on the road to better faith.