One Day at a Time - Do You Know Bill W?

[DarkSkies]

Today's thoughts from Hazelden are:

F.I.N.E.
[I'm] Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

F.E.A.R.
Face Everything And Recover

N.U.T.S.
Not Using The Steps

E.G.O.
Edging God Out.

D.E.N.I.A.L.
Don't Even Notice I Am Lying.

H.A.L.T.
[Don't get too] Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

H.O.P.E.
Happy Our Program Exists

H.O.W.
Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness

S.P.O.N.S.O.R.
Sober Person Offering Newcomers Suggestions On Recovery.

G.O.D.
Good Orderly Direction

B.I.G. B.O.O.K.
Believing In God Beats Our Old Knowledge.

S.L.I.P.
Sobriety Losing Its Priority.

A.C.T.I.O.N.
Any Change To Improve Our Nature.

P.R.O.G.R.A.M.
People Relying On God Relaying A Message.

S.T.E.P.S.
Solutions To Every Problem Sober

K.I.S.S.
Keep It Simple, Sweetheart



I remember the KISS as Keep It Simple, Stupid.
Seems they've gotten nicer with the words over the years. These are good acronyms not only for alcoholics and addicts, but "Earth people" as well.

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Even if you understand and follow all of the rules for more effectively engaging manipulators, life with them is not likely to be easy.
--George K. Simon Jr.

Sometimes they want something. Sometimes they want someone to give them something or to feel a particular way. They want power in some way, shape, or form. Manipulators prey on our weak spots.

Obsession and guilt are weapons. Manipulators get us to use these weapons on ourselves.

Sometimes we can disengage from manipulators - walk away, set a clear limit, be done with them. Other times, it's not that easy. We may be at least temporarily stuck with a boss or authority figure that indulges in heavy manipulation. One of our children may be going through a relentlessly manipulative period. We may have a parent whom we care about deeply who has adapted manipulation as a way of life.

(That statement reminds me of the character Marie, the Mom, on Everyone Loves Raymond. Anyone know a person like her? )




Learn how to effectively deal with manipulators. Not everyone means what they say. . . Learn to recognize when others are telling you what they believe you want to hear. Learn to not react, stay clear, practice nonresistance, and stay true to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself if you have a manipulator in your life. You're not responsible for the other person's attempts at manipulation. You're responsible for staying clear.

God, help me let go the weak spots in myself that allow me to fall prey to manipulations. Help me stay clear of guilt and obsession so I can decide what's best for me.





I know manipulators all too well because I have them in my family. If you're trying to identify and steer clear of people like this, they're usually the kinds of people who blame everyone else for what's happening to them in life. They don't like to take responsibility, and seem to have an excuse for everything. Yet the guilt and twisting of the truth are everyday behaviors for these people. Some of them have been lying for so long, they think no one notices.

The thing is, once you learn to recognize the behavior you start to see these people as transparent as they really are. There is no real substance to them, it's all part of the game they play. , But we do, and gradually learn to exclude these people from our daily lives, whether they are family OR friends.

Learn to recognize the signs, and gradually weed people like this out of your life when possible. You will be much healthier for it.

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

When we do for other people what they should do for themselves, we both stay stuck.

Perhaps it's human nature to grow and change only when we have to. Unrelenting pain can serve as a motivator. Sometimes ultimatums are effective too. But making excuses for others or taking over their responsibilities, even when it's for their benefit, never inspires change. We're learning that the only change we can be certain of is one we make in ourselves.

One of the first changes we can make is to let go of others: their opinions, their behavior, and their responsibilities. Our need for them to fulfill our expectations is related to our insecurity, not theirs. Every time we preach or take on others' duties, we must recognize that we are preventing much-needed growth, ours and theirs.

Our intentions might always have been good. But the time has come to let others live their own lives. It's quite enough to take care of ourselves.

I will not do someone else's task today. Growth comes from each of us being responsible for ourselves.






**********
Some people are selfish because that's their nature, who they are.
That's not what the above passages talk about.

I helped someone I know the other day. She had a 12"TV because the big one she had gave up. So she watches a log of TV. I felt sorry for her and gave her mine. 2 weeks later it wassn't connected, so I was there fixing something and hooked it up for her. I got the main cable goping and explained she would have to re-set the channels.

She freaked out, and asked me to re-connect the old TV. I did that, and explained she would have to connect the cable feed to the new TV eventually, and no matter which TV she used would ahve to re-set the channels.

Sometimes it's better to let people help themselves, no matter how much they struggle. That's all.

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.
-- William Arthur Ward

Manipulation is not foreign to most of us. We have probably manipulated and been manipulated. Manipulators may or may not be aware of what they're doing. There may be no malice involved. Often, the only intention is to find the means to continue an addictive behavior. Manipulation, however, can be terrifying if we're the end receiver. We may also deny that it's happening, usually because we're so confused by it all. But when we realize the truth, we're frightened not only by what's happened, but also by what could happen. We've fallen for this before, what's to prevent us from falling for it again?

We do our best to detach from the manipulator. This may mean letting go physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. The more distance we have, the easier it is to see the truth, to recognize the manipulation. When we must have contact, we keep our head on straight. We don't need to answer to anyone right away. As time goes on, we're better able to identify and to deal appropriately with manipulative behavior.

Today I will have the courage to own the truth.




I have a special BS detector for people who manipulate. My family unfortunately has a few serial manipulators, and I've had to watch their selfish behavior for years until I cut off ties with them,.

So it may seem I have a bias against people like that, and I do. Everything I achieved in life I got through hard work and sweat. I have no tolerance for those who want to skate through life and are unwilling to do their share of the work. If you have people like this in your life, cut them out of it. It may hurt, but you will be freer in the end.

[jonthepain]

James got another DUI last wednesday. had been refusing to go to meetings; now we know why.

Don't think he'll get out of jail time this go round. they let him skate last time so he could go to detox instead.

I think that sometimes the Lord taps you on the shoulder, but if you ignore it, he just might use a 2 x 4.

[DarkSkies]

Sometimes we need a 2x4' Jon. It's either that or death.
Sorry to hear the news, but plenty of people have gotten sober in jail.
Maybe he'll be glad to have you visit him.
Still praying for his eventual sobriety.

[DarkSkies]

Nothing happens to any man that he is not formed by nature to bear.
--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

Reflecting on the past reveals that indeed we do find the strength and the ability to cope with whatever experience ripples our calm. Moreover, we have come to accept that these tides of turmoil wash in new awarenesses, heightened perceptions, and measurable calm.

Tragedies are guaranteed to trigger first pain, then perceptible growth, and finally, tranquility. Over and over again we pass through these stages that are designed to nurture our fuller development as healthy human beings. Over and over we see that the tough times teach us what we're ready to learn.

We can look to the day ahead fully expecting to be strengthened enough to handle whatever we've been readied to experience. Nothing will present itself that can't be coped with.

Today I can be certain of growing. I will meet the challenges in unison with my inner strength.


******************
I have a friend who lives in LI. He's been putting off needed surgery for a few years now because it's high-risk and there's only a 50% survival rate. He has a tumor, which is benign so far.However, it's growing. The problem is, it's near his brain and optic nerve. So if he does survive,they might not be able to save his sight.

This is tough for him because he's addicted to fishing. When everything else has gone wrong in his life, he still has had that constant, of being able to fish. He told me if he can't fish, he would rather be dead. I know that feeling, and can definitely identify.

Yesterdy, we were talking about his pending surgery April 14.
The words in the passage above were ones he used. He said "that which does not kill you, makes you stronger"

I'm praying for him. He's a big tough guy and doesn't like to admit weakness or fear. I think we're all worried for him on this one. The passage above reminded me that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. No matter how bleak things look, you have to tell yourself there is light at the end of the tunnel. And if you have faith, there will be....

[jonthepain]

praying for him.

also please pray for Seth Beaver's family. He was my Defensive Captain last year (I'm the defensive coordinator of a HS football team.)

He was killed in a car wreck Sunday. He was a great kid (17 yr old) who played guitar for his church worship team, and was also a volunteer firefighter.

This is Seth scoring a key pick 6 at a game I coached last season.



thanks
jon

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

When people don't forgive, they probably shorten their lives.
--Doris Donnelly

Sometimes forgiveness seems impossible and we feel stuck in the quicksand of our own resentment. When everything else fails, we can try the "First Five People Forgiveness Plan." Each morning we make a decision to forgive the first five people we come in contact with who make us mad. We forgive all five people without analyzing or deciding if they deserve to be forgiven. We promptly forgive each one of them without exception.

This simple plan can work wonders for those of us who usually hold on to resentments and anger. Letting go of anger and resentment lets us feel our loving side. In learning to forgive others we can begin learning about how to forgive ourselves, too.

Today let me also remember that I, too, deserve forgiveness.

This is good advice because holding resentments against people takes up valuable time and energy from our lives. Some of the posts in this thread talk about not letting others take advantage of you, or avoiding people who are toxic to yur life.


Forgiveness is a separate issue from that.

In forgiving others, we do not condone or sanction what they have done. Rather, we put the stress out of our lives with this simple act. Simply stated, it allows us to move on to more productive challenges.





**********************
Jon, I am so sorry to hear about Seth. It's a tragedy when someone is taken away from us, more so when they are so young. For me, I always wonder what might have happened in that person's life,, what achievements they might have accomplished. My deepest condolences, and prayers for you and the family.

[jonthepain]

thanks, Rich

[DarkSkies]

Welcome, Jon. I'll call ya after the funeral.

*****************



Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Friendship with oneself is very important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

What do we need from a friend? Let's think about that for a moment and see if it applies to how we treat ourselves.

Let's start with the basics: A friend is for us, not against us. That means a friend won't do anything to harm us if he or she can possibly help it. A friend is there for us when we need understanding, tells us the truth, and does the things he or she promises to do. A friend likes to be around us, thinks we are a good person, and believes we are honest. A friend shares what is going on in his or her life and cares about what is going on in ours. A friend does things to help us feel happy. A friend forgives us when we ask for forgiveness.

We do these things for our friends. And we do a much better job of them now that we are sober. But do we do them for ourselves? It's a question worth thinking about: Am I a good friend to myself?

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, help me pay attention to myself the way I pay attention to my friends.

Today's Action

I will have a little friend-to-friend visit with myself right now. How am I doing? What's going on with me? Want to go for a walk and talk, catch up on things?



When I first read this, I felt kind of funny. It seemed stupid to me. A lot of these readings may seem stupid to some people, and at times I would agree. But usually there is some kernel of truth or wisdom in them that makes reading them worthwhile, at least to me.

It may not hit you while you are reading it, but somewhere down the road, it will come to you, It's like going to meetings. Some people may not feel they are getting something out of them because they do not identify with what is being said.

A long time ago, early in my sobriety, I was told to go and listen. And then listen some more, trying to draw parallels with what was being said to my own life. Today I still try to follow that, and am most content when I do.

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

If I should lose, let me stand by the road and cheer as the winners go by.
--Berton Bradley

If we are to be among the winners in the recovery from addiction and obsession, we must maintain the attitude of success. Winners in any Twelve Step program take fearless inventories, correct shortcomings, and willingly make amends. By taking charge of ourselves in this manner, we neither blame nor credit others or events. With confidence and willingness, we hold ourselves responsible for our lives.

We take responsibility for our pre-program faults and conduct. We can then count ourselves among those who, with the help of our Higher Power, can control compulsive and excessive behavior. But we don't do it with pride. We do it with humility and gratitude.

I will begin to lose hold of a winning attitude if I choose to leave spiritual growth to chance. I must make life happen, not let it happen to me.





God helps those who help themselves.

[jonthepain]

God helps those who help themselves.

simple, huh? you'd think so, anyway.

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Reflection for the Day

The Program is a road, not a resting place. Before we came to The Program - and, for some of us, many times afterward - most of us looked for answers to our living problems in religion, philosophy, psychology, self-help groups, and so on. Invariably, these fields held forth the goals that were precisely what we wanted; they offered freedom, calm, confidence and joy. But there was one major loophole: They never gave us a workable method of getting there. They never told us how to get from where we were to where we were supposed to be. Do I truly believe that I can find everything that I need and really want through the Twelve Steps?

Today I Pray

May I know that, once through the Twelve Steps, I am not on a plane surface. For life is not a flat field, but a slope upward. And those flights of steps must be taken over and over and remembered. May I be sure that once I have made them totally familiar to me, they will take me anywhere I want to go.

Today I Will Remember

The Steps are a road, not a resting place.








******************
Keeping it simple......
Jon if it were so simple I wouldn't have to keep repeating it to myself as well.

[jonthepain]

rofl

point.

[jonthepain]

If there's anybody around, I won't have to look far for happiness today.

go ahead, make my day

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best.
--Harry Emerson Fosdick

What am I doing with what I've got? Instead of despairing over my lack of abilities in certain areas, am I doing the best with the talents I've been given?

All of us have unique gifts and abilities. Some of us work well with our hands; others are gifted at working with abstract ideas. Whatever our abilities, we would do well to concentrate on bringing those we can do to fruition rather than focus on our limitations.

Greek philosopher Epictetus put it this way: "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." German poet and dramatist Goethe said, "The man who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds his greatest happiness in using it."

TODAY, let me not concentrate on my handicaps as much as on my abilities. I know I have been given all I need to make my life a success.


We all have hidden talents. The key to happiness is to find them and explore them to the best of our ability.





*************
Jon, cool pic, big fan of the early Dirty Harry movies.

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Martyrs set bad examples.
--David Russell

Sometimes we call people "martyrs." We think of them as victims. They suffer, but sometimes not for a cause. They play "poor me." They want people to notice how much they suffer. They are afraid to really live. These are the people who set bad examples.

True martyrs died for causes they believed in. We remember them because they were so full of energy and spirit.

We can also live a life full of energy and spirit. Recovery helps us live better. Let's go for it!

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power - thanks for giving me energy and for healing my spirit. Help me live fully by putting my life in Your care.

Action for the Day

What kind of example do I set? Does my life reflect joy for life and recovery?


********************
I feel this way when around "poor me" people. I have people in my family like this. They're always complaining that the glass is half-empty. Why not consider that the glass is half-full?

If you complain about everything, and expect things to be handed to you without working for them, there will be a gradual transition in who gathers around you. No one wants to be around people who still complain, even when given opportunities to do better.


There are no guarantees in life, only opportunities. In fact, a friend and I were discussing this when we were discussing fishing last night. No one can promise you'll catch a fish when you get out there. If your attitude is "well the bite will be over by the time I get there"... you might as well give up fishing and take up golf.

You can apply this to many scenarios. Food for thought.

[jonthepain]

... They're always complaining that the glass is half-empty...

the glass isn't half full or half empty, it just needs more beer

[DarkSkies]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

If the best man's faults were written on his forehead, it would make him pull his hat over his eyes.
--Gaelic proverb

When we deal with our faults and imperfections, we are dealing with the basic issues of being a person. We can become bitter and cynical about the imperfections of others, or we can realize every person is incomplete but growing, just as we are. The way we look at the faults in others and the way we look at our own are closely tied together. In our spiritual journey, we must begin with the premise that no person ever achieves perfection.

Perfection apparently is not what this life is about at all, since perfection is nonexistent. We are lovable, and we can love in the process of living our lives. Since we are not perfect, we have to be accountable. We must have standards for our behavior and hold ourselves to those standards, admitting our mistakes and making repairs where we can.

I will try to acknowledge my mistakes and give up the idea of ever becoming perfect.

Some heavy meaning in those highlighted words above.




**************

the glass isn't half full or half empty, it just needs more beer

Jon, that's the trouble with whiners, they say "poor me" all the time, while the real unasked request is "pour me another drink."