One Day at a Time - Do You Know Bill W?

[DarkSkies]

You're never too old to grow up.
--Shirley Conran

A child's view of adults is that they have arrived at some fixed point where they are emancipated and have all the tools necessary for life. An adult knows that we never stop growing. Many of us have been stuck in an immature level of development. Our life stresses and our addictions took us off the track of emotional growth. We found substitutes and evasions for truly dealing with the normal life problems. Now we are back on the much more rewarding path of truly living and growing.

We accept the adult wisdom that we all need help and we all continue to learn and grow throughout our life span. We finally feel like adults because we take responsibility for our actions. We don't blame others for our problems, and when our days feel challenging, we can ask for help. Back on our path, we are never alone.

Today I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.



******
Good one for today....

[finchaser]

yeah i'm still working on that growing up thing

[bababooey]

X2. You're only young once.
You can be immature forever.

[DarkSkies]

Some pretty intense readings I have seen lately.,,,sorry I haven't been posting on the site much, trying to whittle the time down so I can finish work and spend more time OTW......



Hope and patience are two sovereign remedies for all, the surest reposal, the softest cushions to lean on in adversity.
--Robert Burton

It is just as easy to think, "I can" as it is to think, "I can't." Both attitudes are habitual orientations to life that can become automatic with practice. Neither attitude has as much to do with the task at hand as it does with the inner spirit of the person facing the task. In either case, the task is the same - only the attitude is different.

But what a difference! The "I can" people are the ones we want to spend time with and to use as models. These are the people who either have never lost, or have worked to regain the positive outlook we are all born with. It never occurs to a baby, for example, that all that staggering and falling means he or she will never learn to walk. Babies grow, move forward, and succeed. They haven't learned to hang back or fear defeat. Knee-jerk negativity is something we can all do without. Let's backtrack to that time in our lives when all things were possible ... because they still are.

Today, I will focus on my successes. "I can" is my credo.





****************
This is a good one for couples.....
Communicating
...armed to deal with whatever comes

One couple never told each other anything negative if they could avoid it. They always protected each other from bad news. Their neighbors, however, were not that careful about what they said. They had a positive attitude but they believed that reality was not to be shaped or measured in their words, so they just laid it on the line with each other.

The first couple seemed more sedate and calm while their neighbors seemed more in turmoil. But over time the first couple's protective attitude worked like a wedge that drove quiet distance between them as more and more unresolved issues were ignored or sugar-coated. The second couple always clearly knew what was going on. They did not have to wonder what the truth was behind each other's words, and they dealt with issues as they arose. Time brought them more deeply into the lively embrace of their trusting relationship.

Bad news is part of life, just as good news is. When we engage life we do not shy away from problems; we do our loved ones the favor of speaking the truth. Then our relationships are armed to deal with whatever comes.

[DarkSkies]

Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.
--Lao-tzu

A group of friends went swimming one day and one of them lost a ring in the bottom of the lake.

Everyone started diving from different directions to find it until there was so much mud and sand stirred up that no one could see anything. Finally, they decided to clear the water. They waited silently on the edge of the shore for the mud from all their activity to settle. When it finally cleared, one person dove in slowly and picked up the ring.

When we are confused about something in our lives, we will often hear answers and advice from all directions. Our friends will tell us one thing and our families another, until we feel pretty well mixed up. If we look away from our problem and let patience and time do their work, the mud inside us will settle and clear. Our answer will become visible, like the glimmer of silver in the water.

Am I overlooking the simple solution?




**********
I think the above advice and analogies are profound.
I've found when faced with a stressful problem, it can become overwhelming....

One thing that works well for me is to step away from it for awhile...
on returning, things sometimes have more clarity....
Another thing I learned, is that when faced with a problem, look for the easiest solution first...it may not work, but it's a smart choice to go from one logical solution to another....in the order of complexity....

[jonthepain]

that's kinda similar to something i read in a dale carnegie book. dale had a friend that would write down the things he was worried or concerned about every saturday night.

after a year or so, he went back and read some of his entries. seems that most of the things he was worried about when he wrote them seemed pretty silly a year later.

[DarkSkies]

^^ I hear ya, Jon. We sometimes tend to make the problems in our lives appear greater than they are, which can create a great deal of anxiety and stress. Looking at them later on, we see that they weren't so bad....

Over the course of my life I have gone back to Dale Carnegie books several times. Absolutely priceless advice.




*******
Perfectionism

Part of the ego reduction necessary to our recovery is the acceptance of the fact that we are not and never will be perfect. Perfectionism gets in the way of recovery because it imposes impossible, unrealistic goals which guarantee failure. If we do not think we have to be perfect, then we can accept our mistakes as learning experiences and be willing to try again.Deepening acquaintance with our Higher Power is good insurance against perfectionism. We come to believe that God accepts and loves us as we are, and this gives us the courage and humility to accept ourselves.

We are not perfect, but we are growing. In spite of our weaknesses, we can serve others according to God's plan for our lives. Accepting our own limitations makes us more tolerant of the faults and weaknesses of those around us. Together, we progress.

I am thankful that I don't need to be perfect.









We all make mistakes in life. No need to fear that as long as we can learn from them.

[DarkSkies]

The cause is hidden, but the result is known.
--Ovid

We know it's coming before we do it. Our boy[girl]friend dumps us and we devour the ice cream. We don't get the promotion so we head for the bar. We have a fight with our spouse and treat ourselves to a new leather jacket - at his or her expense. We decide that because we're feeling bad anyway, we might as well take full advantage of it. We figure the worse we feel, the more entitled we are to the indulgence.

This type of behavior starts a cycle. The worse we feel, the more we want to self-destruct. Let's face it - our actions are usually premeditated.

We think about the ice cream, the drink, or the leather jacket until we can get to it. During the planning stage, we can shift gears. We think it through. We know we have a choice. We decide to do something healthy instead of destructive.

Today I will make only healthy choices for myself.



This is a good illustration of how the addiction works. The rationalization is logical and seems to flow, We need to realize that thinking like that is bad for us. Some call it stinking thinking.










*******
Avoiding blame

It is not uncommon to hear in group, "Why do these things always happen to me?" If "these things" are always happening to us, the obvious answer is that we somehow bring them on ourselves. We are largely unconscious of what we're doing wrong until, slowly, eventually; we manage to dig ourselves out from the results. (It seems incredible that we actually seek to be hurt, but in a way many of us do so, with regularity.)

But blaming others for our problems and indulging in self-pity don't move us along in our program.

Am I still blaming others?

Higher Power, help me take responsibility for myself and my actions, because blaming others will only keep me stuck.





******
Some who know me may have noticed me being hard on myself. I'm much tougher than anyone could ever be. That's because, on the flip side, I come from a family where a lot of them blame others, so much so that I got sick of hearing it....,and try my best not to do that. I'm not always successful at it, but blaming others, IMO, gets you nowhere and keeps you stagnant in your growth.,

[DarkSkies]

Acceptance of things I can't fix.

One of the sad realities of life is that we're awash in a disorder that we can't fix. All around us, the world seethes and festers with ailments and injustices that are beyond our control.

We can react by becoming angry or by making quixotic efforts to solve some of these problems. Our best course, however, is to apply our Twelve Step program to life in this world. The Serenity Prayer suggests we accept what we can't change. A slogan reminds us to set priorities ("First Things First"). The Eleventh Step reminds us to always seek God's will.

This will enable me to live effectively while doing my best to serve others. In time, I may even discover that I can fix a few of the seemingly insoluble problems around me.

I'll realize today that I have the ability only to do certain things within my sphere of experience. I'll see to it, however, that I do these things well.


*******
The serenity prayer is so simple that some wonder how something as easy as that can help them guide their lives...

"God grant me the Serenity..
to accept the things I cannot change..
the courage to change the things I can...
And the Wisdom to know the difference...."


Simple words above, but sometimes, what is simplest, works best....

[jonthepain]

Some who know me may have noticed me being hard on myself.

That's because it's ALL YOUR FAULT

lol

[DarkSkies]

^ You sound like Pebbles...
We have a scenario we play out all the time....
Whenever there are any problems in our lives....it's MY FAULT.......all the time....Geez I can't get no respect, Rodney Dangerfield move over....

[DarkSkies]

You are the hero of your life.

Each of us plays the starring role in the drama that is our life. We co-create the script along with our Higher Power. Sometimes we forget our lines, and so we improvise as best we can. We are heroes, each of us, as we move through the events of the day, refining our character and using our gifts to shape the action of every scene.

We can each be a hero in the drama of recovery. To the casual observer, what we do and say may not appear to be at all heroic. But we - as insiders who are only too well acquainted with our individual limitations - can appreciate and applaud a difficult decision or action.

When we accept our role in life, when we pledge to use our energies to do the best we can, and when we rely on our Higher Power for guidance and support, we will be well on our way toward recovering.

I can be a hero today, even if it doesn't show.




*******
There are times when we look at our lives...we may think it's not as exciting or challenging as we hoped it might be....we may say to ourselves...."Hey, this isn't my life, I didn't sign on for this!"


I know there are many times I have felt this way....
Maturity involves accepting our life as it is....and making the best of it....

If we don't like something, we can work towards changing it, if change is possible..
If not, it's healthy choice to learn how to accept some things, and do the best we can with them....


My Dad, who was an angry person, and at times pretty mean, was someone from whom you didn't think any good advice would come from....his negativity reigned through his personality....and he understood nothing about alcoholism, addiction, or compulsivity, despite his lifelong addiction to gambling....

However, he did have his moments, and taught me some lessons that I still remember to this day, decades later....

One of them, is "Make the best of things...."


Thanks Dad...
Miss ya.....

[DarkSkies]

Easy Does It

So, you surrendered. You let go. Now you're ready to face a particular challenge. So you hunker down and garner all your forces. And you hit the wall again.

What's wrong? you may ask. I'm doing all the spiritual things I'm supposed to do. And things still aren't working, I can't get anywhere.

Did you ever try to get a key to unlock a door, and you tried and tried, and the key just wouldn't open it? The harder you tried, the more frustrated you became. So you stopped trying for a while, relaxed, and tried again. Voila. The key fit perfectly and the slightest turn unlocked the door.

There's a gentler way of being in the world, of trying things, doing things, going about our business.

Whether I'm tackling a specific project, enjoying a new relationship, or grinding through some miserable situation, my first inclination is to force myself and try too hard. If one cup of tea tastes good, I'll drink five. If I want to express love or concern for someone, I'll overdo it.

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well," doesn't mean if it's worth doing, try harder and harder. Doing it well means relaxing and letting the actions unfold gently, naturally, without force. Pull back a little. Relax



*******
I don't know about folks reading this, but this advice fits me perfectly. I'm constantly driving myself. Nothing is ever good enough, I always tell myself I can do better, even when I'm fishing.

This compulsiveness is good, and sometimes beneficial in business, and other matters.
But it does tend to affect those around you, when you are so intense all the time....

Learning to be a little less intense is one of my goals for 2012....

Easy does it.....

[jonthepain]

wisest thing i've heard you say yet.

[DarkSkies]

^ Thanks Jon....I'm trying





When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.
--Thomas Jefferson

Sometimes we just want to yell. Maybe a family member or a friend messed up, and we want to "set them straight." Start counting. Maybe we got chewed out at work and we want "to get even." Start counting.

We can get drunk on anger. We may feel powerful when we "set someone straight." But like an alcohol high, an anger high lasts only a short time and can hurt others. We must control our anger. This is why we count. Cool down. Think out what you need or want to say. Use words that you'll not be ashamed of later. Learning how to respect others when we're angry is a sign of recovery.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, teach me to respect others when I'm angry.

Action for the Day

Today, when I feel angry I'll count. I'll work at not controlling others with my anger.






*******
Some more wisdom....

[mick2360]

I go for months without an urge to drink. After twenty years, I have gotten pretty good at dealing with my demons. Yesterday I took a few days off and went to Montauk....too early to fish unless I jump on one of the cod boats but I love being out here. Once I checked in and got myself unpacked, I made a call to the wife and then settled in for the evening with a book and a cigar. Suddenly I had this urge to 'have a couple of drinks'. I know this particular demon; I get somewhere alone and it whispers to me, "Hey, no one will ever know!". I got my phone and made a check in call with a bud of mine and, as it will do, the urge passed. It is too big for me alone and, as it happens, I am fairly competent in most areas of my life. This one thing is too much for me alone and it is my way to reach for help. Thank God for friends. It is hours later, I have slept for a time and I am ready for a long walk on the beach to wait for the sunrise. Sober. Thank God.

[DarkSkies]

. This one thing is too much for me alone and it is my way to reach for help. Thank God for friends. It is hours later, I have slept for a time and I am ready for a long walk on the beach to wait for the sunrise. Sober. Thank God.

Mick, thanks for sharing that.
Doing that, shows the wisdom you have acquired over the last 20 years.
I think from a man's perspective, it's hard for us to ask for help...but we as alcoholics and addicts have to get over that apprehension...because at times it could mean the difference between life and death.....

I'm glad you called your friend, and remembered that old AA saying..
"This too, shall pass..."

Our disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful...
the only disease that insists it's not a disease...



Keep up the good work, one day at a time....
Hope to see ya soon...

[DarkSkies]

Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom, which flows through your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

When the renowned composer Johann Sebastian Bach was praised for his music, he responded, "To God goes the glory." When a well-known writer was asked to reveal his secret, he said, "I am simply the person whom the words came through." Like many who have excelled in their field, these artists know that it is God who makes us great, that it is the spirit within that expresses its perfect purpose through us.

God wants to do great things through you, too. In your prayers and meditation, ask that Infinite Intelligence work through you for the highest good of yourself and others. Ask to be a channel for the expression of the Divine plan. Then trust that spirit will guide you each step of the way, ensuring the right outcome of every situation and providing for all your needs.

You have a purpose and a mission - something to contribute during your stay on earth. Even now, spirit is beckoning you to fulfill your unique greatness. Listen and you will hear the call.




*******
I liked the above passage because I thought it was meaningful.
I tend to stay away from pushing religion on this site, as the AA and NA principles talk about a Higher Power, not necessarily God (but it can be God, if that's your choice).

I think this way, I am not pushing religion on anyone...it's up to you what you believe and how strongly.
I will say that there are times when I have come to understand that lately, I cannot do it alone, and am reaching out to God more and more.

I'm still pretty independent in my actions, but faith in God has greatly helped me to better deal with the injustices I see every day in the world,. and the terrible things some people are doing to each other....

[DarkSkies]

Over 37,000 views and still growing....

When I first started this thread I had no real expectations of its potential..
Along the way I've learned a few things...

* Many folks tune in here anonymously.
* Some seem to get good benefits from it,. and are incredulous in some of the e-mails I get...asking me if I'm not embarassed being so candid...

* I was more embarassed passing out drunk and high, on the floors of public restrooms, passing out in public places, and losing the trust and respect of family, friends, and loved ones.
* In my sobriety these embarassments are not common anymore...yet I still have the issues many people have in their lives, so I don't mind being open and honest about them...
* I also don't mind when good friends like Finchaser and others here bust balls about me having smelly waders, smelling like bunker, or clams, being a GOOGAN,....or not taking a shower for 2 days....it's all good....



The thing that pushes me to continue posting is that I see a lot of people benefiting from this thread, not just alcoholics or addicts....compulsive behavior can come in many disguises, even fishing...





















One of the latest e-mails I got thanked me profusely for this thread, said they weren't an alcoholic but it was part of their family history......
I want folks to know these e-mails are always anonymous unless you request or allow me to post up part of it as a help to others...your confidentiality and my discretion is something you can count on....

And if there's any way I can help folks out there anonymously, with suggestions for meetings, advice, etc, feel free to contact me at any time....part of my recovery is I must try to help those in similar situations when asked......

To the latest person who sent me the encouraging e-mail.....they will recognize themselves because I told them I would be mentioning this....thanks for the words of encouragement, and feel free to call me anytime there is something I might be able to advise you on.....


Remember that you are a person of good character, whose words also mean a lot to folks in your circle....a lot of them can benefit from your wisdom....

Best wishes to all, and remember that the lives we live will always have their ups and downs.....the key to survival is to learn how to ride them out......



Thanks for reading , folks......

[storminsteve]

* I also don't mind when good friends like Finchaser and others here bust balls about me having smelly waders, smelling like bunker, or clams, being a GOOGAN,....or not taking a shower for 2 days....it's all good....



The thing that pushes me to continue posting is that I see a lot of people benefiting from this thread, not just alcoholics or addicts....compulsive behavior can come in many disguises, even fishing...

Glad you don't mind the ball busting, because I enjoy doing it, knowing that you won't ban me.

Keep up the good work.