One Day at a Time - Do You Know Bill W?

[DarkSkies]

February 4, 2009

Usefulness

We hear a lot in meetings that a grateful alcoholic doesn't get drunk.
What I have found, though, reaches far beyond feeling grateful,
and that is feeling useful.
I believe that when I am grateful, It is usually for what I have been given.
However, when I am useful, it is for what I am able to give.
If nothing else, the program of AA has offered me the ability to be useful.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.


Thought to Ponder....

To be sensitive is to feel the thoughts and hearts of others
as only you would want yours felt.



This goes with the AA tradition "We keep what we have by giving it away", a great way to move forward in sobriety. Wallowing in alcoholism and isolating ourselves is not a good direction. The program teaches us that isolation of any kind is not a good thing. I know I like to fish alone, and that's ok, as long as I don't neglect my family or friends by isolating myself.

I talked to a friend the other night who is addicted to many things. He straightened himself out, but still goes gambling. He justified this over and over by explaining his gambling system. If he didn't think it might become a problem, why would he need to justify it to me, or anyone? He also described the isolation aspect, and that anyone who he knew who was aa serious gambler gambled alone. He does that too, so I thought it was interesting that he had all these rationalizations.

If you wanna gamble, go for it. It is what it is. Knowiung you have a compulsive personality and still putting yourself in risky situations? Only you can answer whether that's good or bad for your recovery.

Usefulness, for me, helps me to break out of the shell of isolation and reach out to help others. In doing so, I help and learn about myself. And that feels good.

[mick2360]

One of my favorite movies is 'The Verdict', where paul newman plays the role of an attorney who is a dead end drunk trying a case that might turn his life around. Some of the scenes, especially the early morning drinking in a bar that served breakfast scenes, made me cringe. There is a scene in the movie where Newman's character says, "So much of the time we are lost." Your 2/02/09 post about your dying friend brought this movie to mind. Your friend is at the logical progression of a life given to drink and self abuse. Newman's character was close but, at the end of the movie, was at the point where change is possible. I don't know how it turned out for Newman's character bt that movie was foundational in my recovery. I so desperately did not want to die drunk and alone. And i will start to pray for your friend at the end of each day. If anyone else would like prayer, please let me know. I'm just one guy but I would be honored to pray for you. Dark, you don't have to ask, you're already there.

One other thing. The heroine of the movie is a young woman, Kaitlyn Costello, who chooses to do something very painful and at great risk because it is the right thing. I named my daughter after that character; I thought it was a strong name and might lead her in future times. She was born 16 years ago. She has never known me to drink or use drugs. Miraculous.

[DarkSkies]

February 5, 2009

Footprints

Stepping into the first footprint that led from the dismal swamp of alcoholism
toward the sunlight of sobriety would not take me far enough.
Would I muddle along some little trail of my own in the weeds,
vaguely paralleling the clearly marked AA road?
Or would I choose to follow in the exact footsteps of the AAs who had preceded?
The choice was up to me. . .
Since I had already taken Step One, I could decide to stop right there.
I could just dry up, period. I could survive like a raisin the rest of my life.


Thought to Ponder....

I stood in the sunlight at last.





I like the above thought because a lot of people don't want to follow suggestions of the program, or they still want to do things "their way". There was 5 pages of going back and forth on another thread where a guy tried the program, but was constantly attacking trhe principles, saying every aspect was brainwashing, and not alowing people to think for themselves. In short, he knew better than everyone in the program, and we were alll mindless zombies. Wel, why was he so angry then, and unhappy, and still struggling with his sobriety?

I know I have free will, can follow whatever path I choose to. The paths in the past I followed led to disaster. So you have to be at least willing to take a new path, whether you think it will work or not. If you can do it by yourself, and fix all the things that deteriorated in your life, by yourself, good luck, God bles. I couldn't, and was willing to listen, stubbornly at first.

Gradually I saw others in there who inspired me by their quality sobriety. I wanted some of that! I was willing to do whatever I had to do to get it. I was hungry for change.

[DarkSkies]

One other thing. The heroine of the movie is a young woman, Kaitlyn Costello, who chooses to do something very painful and at great risk because it is the right thing. I named my daughter after that character; I thought it was a strong name and might lead her in future times. She was born 16 years ago. She has never known me to drink or use drugs. Miraculous.

That's a great achievement, Mick. Anything is possible one day at a time.


...act as if you had faith, and faith will be given to you



Thanks for praying for my friend. Was on the phone the other night with another guy who knows him. The guy said he has been selfish his whole life, and never was there for anyone in his family when they needed them. So this is kinda like karma, now no one is there for him. Maybe he deserves it, I still feel bad for him.

[DarkSkies]

February 6, 2009

Irrationality

Few indeed are the practicing alcoholics who have any idea
how irrational they are, or seeing their irrationality, can bear to face it.
Some will be willing to term themselves "problem drinkers"
but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill.
They are abetted in this blindness by a world which does not understand
the difference between sane drinking and alcoholism.
"Sanity" is defined as "soundness of mind."
Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior,
whether he fell on the dining room furniture or his own moral fiber,
can claim "soundness of mind" for himself.

Thought to Ponder....

If you think you are an alcoholic, chances are you are.




To me, this goes to the cunning, baffling, and powerful part of our disease. It's the only disease that tells you you don't have one, that you aren't sick, and alllows you to rationalize self-destructive bahavior so it doesn't seem that bad, in your mind. But the people around us know we are sick, and we start to affect their lives too.

It's not our place to call someone an alcoholic, even if we are one. The questions must come from inside them, as they start thinking about if they are addicted. Learning about it can be helpful, because many people have no trouble with alcohol in their lives. They can drink to excess at times, and they don't fit the other characteristics, so it wouldn't fit to imply that they are.

Only a small % of people who drink are alcoholics. The definition I learned is that if your drinking or drugging causes you problems, you might be an alcoholic. It's up to you to decide if you are.






Famous recovering people:

7. Stephen King - writer and movie producer

[DarkSkies]

February 7, 2009

Simplicity

The simple words "Thy Will Be Done" and the simple ideas of honesty
and of helping others are taking on a new meaning for me.
I should not be surprised to find myself coming to the astounding conclusion
that God, whoever or whatever He may be,
is eminently more capable of running this universe than I am.
At last I believe I am on my way.

Thought to Ponder....

The will of God will never take me where the grace of God will not protect me.




As someone who has been sulf-sufficient for most of my adult life, I had the biggest trouble accepting the highlighted passage above. If you think about it, whether you believe it or not, every time you are outdoors, the beauty of nature and wilderness, streams, rivers, oceans, and everything in between could only have been created by a being more powerful than ourselves.

Every chance I get to go outside, I am in awe at the new things I discover, and all created by God.

[DarkSkies]

February 8. 2009

Decision

It is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been driven to AA,
have admitted defeat, have acquired the rudiments of faith,
and now want to make a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to a Higher Power.

Reprinted from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Page 38, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

Thought to Ponder....

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and follow through.






I like the first sentence above. I didn't come into AA willingly. I wasn't happy about the possibility of a life without alcohol or drugs. I had screwed up so many times, that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was willing to give anything a chance at that point, so I did.

[DarkSkies]

February 9, 2009

Patience

Just try it. Drive with an easy rein; don't worry;
seek and be with the Group as much as you possibly can.
Coast along with us, work with us,
and you will gradually find fear being replaced by confidence,
doubts taking wing; depression being replaced by happiness
and faith in yourself and others and in the future emerging
into the full light of everyday living.
Just try it; keep dry, think. . .a little plea for help from some greater Power.
Have patience and you will get the answer to real living and happiness.
Then try to return just a little of all that has been given you
by trying to pass it on to others who are sick and need help.
It's the road to the top of the mountain--into the sun--and it's yours for the effort.

Reprinted from Box 1980: The AA Grapevine, November 1944, Vol. 1 No. 6. Reprinted with permission of The A.A. Grapevine, Inc.
Thought to Ponder....

Patience is passion tamed.






Anyone who knows me probably would not classify me as a "patient & mellow" guy. Years into my sobriety, I still struggle with this concept. I remember how I once was, which was a lot worse with my patience. I feel I've made some progress, but I'm still one of the most hyper people I know.

Years ago, I was told the road to serenity begins with patience. I think that still applies today. That's probably why I like fishin so much, you can't figure patterns out if youre not patient.

I'm highly critical of myself, and still feel like I have a long way to go tp be a more patient person. It's one of my biggest character defects.

Famous recovering people-
8. Eric Clapton - rock & roll icon
9. Anthony Kiedis - singer Red Hot Chili Peppers

[jonthepain]

hey, pray for me, willya? not feeling so hot today.

thanks
jon

[DarkSkies]

Jon, just sent ya a pm. I'll pray for ya, man. My number's in that pm, call me if you don't feel like typing. Ya can call collect if ya want, I'll pick up - Rich

[DarkSkies]

February 10, 2009

Discovery

I've learned since being in AA that the more I worry about me loving you,
and the less I worry about you loving me, the happier I'll be.
I discovered a fellowship of human beings that I'd never seen before.
I learned how to have self-respect through work that AA gave me to do.
I learned how to be a friend. . .
I have learned that the more I give, the more I will have;
the more I learn to give, the more I learn to live.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [Second Edition], pp. 538-539.

Thought to Ponder....

Recovery is discovery.






An easy AA/NA principle to remember is we keep what we have by giving it away.

Jon, I said some prayers for you, hope youll have a better day today. Give me a call at that # I sent or pm to let me know how you're doin.

[jonthepain]

Thanks, Dark. I felt the prayers...

I guess what started it was, I had an email exchange with my oldest son, about this youtube video: I told him that one of my best friends had the same experience, except that his issue was, that he used the plastic cap from the grain bottle, and it melted. i was the one trying to put him out.

my son asked if there was any scarring, to which i replied:

just his arm if i remember correctly. he died exactly 30 yrs ago, when we were 21. there were 4 of us; me, chris, kurt, and brian. chris evaporated the left side of his bumble bee, doing 80 or so, drunk at 18. i was away at college. he didn't look so hot at the viewing. i took one look and passed out.

kurt impaled himself on an old rr rail when he went off a cliff on his motorcylce senior year at wvu. drunk at 21. thankfully closed casket.

brian was my best man and has essentially blown me off for the last 25 yrs.

you remember mike, he was my best friend when i came back from oregon. dead from drinking; heart couldn't take it.

my last best friend, ray, is still a drunk. don't talk to him much anymore, since i best manned at his wedding, which was the start of my latest and hopefully last binge.

it'll either be 4 or 5 years this coming memorial day since i had a drink, i lost count. don't think i don't want to, tho. but there's no circumstance that drinking can't make worse. so i think i'll hold off for today. sure is tempting to get blotto and forget how bad life sucks for a while tho. oh well.

so i guess i was just feeling sorry for myself after reminiscing.

but you can't saw sawdust.

thanks for the pm
jon

[jimmy z]

But for the Grace of God, there go I. With all the crazy stuff that i did to myself, over the years, it's a wonder that I'm still here.
I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us, and that along the way we get sidetracked. But because our will and way is a failure, we get back on track, because of a divine intervention. God is not finished with us.
It's unfortunate, that some do things, that are fatal to themselves or others.
I know that I am a drink away from the insanity, and because I know, I am truly grateful.
What I know, I need to share with those that don't. I never for get where I came from.
Easy does it, my friend.

[DarkSkies]

February 11, 2009

Immunity

We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again:
"Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."
Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety,
we are in a short time as bad as ever.
If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind
nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], Page 41

Thought to Ponder....

If we want to quit drinking, we are going to have to quit
drinking.




This is a good topic for today, especially in light of that Jon shared yesterday. When I was in rehab, they told me of the progression that would happen if I were to stop, and start again. What the heck did these people know, were they the recovery police? How the heck could they be so sure?

So I really didn't believe it until it was demonstrated painfully for me through some people I knew.

A prime example of this was my friend Frankie. He went to the same school I did. When I first walked into the rooms, I saw him and his friend J there. I said you guys were the biggest burnouts I knew, man I can't believe you're in here! They laughed, and said they thought the same thing about me, and were glad I made it in.

In the beginning of my recovery, we hung out together, and sometimes went to the same AA dances, tried to hook up with the chicks there, and had fun, just like back in high school. These 2 guys were an inspiration to everyone. They worked their program, got their lives back on track, and helped a bunch of people.

Gradually in our recovery, we went to less meetings, different meetings, and saw each other less. I next ran into Frankie 5 years after that, when I picked him up hitchhiking one day. He looked bad, I could tell he was getting high again. I gave him my # and said to call me if he wanted to hit a meeting sometime. He said yeah, but I had the feeling he never would. I heard a few months later that he was dead.

One of the last people to see him alive was G, a guy who had helped me in my darkest hours by getting me into rehab. He also tried to help Frankie, but as Frankie was being admitted, he went to the bathroom before he was searched, shot up, and died soon after. He was so close to getting his life back, but it was too late.

Another interrelated story concerns G. This guy was active in the programs over 30 years after his own battles with alcohol. He was a notable figure in the recovery community, ans helped many people on the beginning path back to sanity. However, he had a son who hung out with my brother. The kid was in 5 or 6 rehabs, and still out on the streets causing trouble. Every time, you would hope for the best for him when you saw him after getting out of the latest rehab. He talked a good story, but loved alcohol and drugs more. Everyone around knew how bad he was, and how much in denial he was. Looking back, maybe he should have been sent to GOD's (Geraldine O' Delaney's) program, but for some reason he wasn't. As bad as he was, it probably would not have made a difference anyway.

All I know is that his Dad, G, tried his best to use all the resources and connections he had to help his only son. Yet nothing he did worked because his son didn't want the help, and each time the progression got worse.

This is the concept of powerlessness coming back to punch you in the face.

You would think that as much as G knew about recovery, it would be enough to help his son start a new life. But it wasn't. It must have been heartbreaking for that father to watch his son slowly dying, nothing at all he could do. It wa sad for me to watch too. When the son eventually died, I went to the funeral. Kid was 25, looked like he was 60, one of the worst corpses I had ever seen.


So the above 2 examples were very powerful illustrations to me what happens with the progression. As I said before, I know in my heart I can handle one drink, or one joint, or one of anything else. But what happens after that, when I decide it's not enough??

Sometimes the mistakes of others is what it takes for us to learn. Its extremely sad people have to die to illustrate this point, Jon. It is what it is.

Your reminiscing got to me, and thinking about the people who have helped me in so many areas of my recovery. Might be time to pay another visit to G, and see how he's doin. I know that stuff was bothering you, jon. I got some other stories like yours I'll share in another post, but this post is too loing already. Thanks for sharing, man, you helped me think about some people I haven't thought about for while. And who knows how many lurkers you may have helped with your honesty.

[mick2360]

Jon, Great post. Survival was hard. remembering old friends who didn't make it can leave me feeling guilty and wondering if I could have done more. The brutal and cold fact is that deciding to use means that we will inevitably fall. There is an old saying that the neighborhood between your ears is a dangerous place to go alone. Thanks for posting. A few of us have survivor's guilt.

I remember fallen friends, as well as those I had to leave behind to gain my own sobriety. I miss them. But I am grateful for all I have today that would not be possible had i continued drinking. Food for thought.

[jonthepain]

Thanks, men.

i've got lots of mike stories. we were very very close. i loved him more than anybody, ever. both self-employed contractors. he was a plumber, i was a painter. both have wives and 4 kids. we helped each other out a lot, personally and professionally. saw each other every day. hell, our dads were best friends, too. (both died from alchohol btw.)

we quit drinking together. i'll never forget the day we starting in again together. i stopped again; he didn't.

he's dead; i'm not.

wish it was the other way around sometimes, but there it is. too late now. plus i don't want my family to go thru the hell that his has since he died. btw he died the week before Christmas. hows that for timing?

well anyway thanks for the kind words. i guess i'll just continue to survive. it's what i do.

jon

[DarkSkies]

February 12, 2009

Selfishness

Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity,
we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.
Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation,
but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions
based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], Page 74.

Thought to Ponder....

Never become so heavenly that you're no earthly good.


A good topic for today. I learned early on to try to avoid selfish people, or at least identify how they operate so I could pick up on the signs. Sometimes they hide it well, and end up looking for giving and selfless people to take advantage of. This is one of my character defects that still needs work. Because of my history, I still tend to avoid this type of person at all costs. But that's not the whole equation. I have to learn to be more mellow when I see them operating and taking advantage of others. It's a sore spot with me, and I'm sometimes vocal about it. It's got me in trouble before, my goal is to learn how to deal with it ona more mature level.

Just the other week, a 90year old guy I know needed some work done in his house. I was too busy to handle it. His tenant had done some carpentry work in his house for a good price, so I pitched the tenant to install 2 interior doors, thinking he would not take advantage of an old man. Instead, he and a buddy went and installed 2 interior doors, same size, no complications, and charged the guy $1600 for labor because they know the guy wouldnt complain. After I found out, I did the best I could to help his family document the overcharges. The selfishness still got to me.

Another example - I needed help with a project from a long-time friend in the program. This friend was called "___ the guy who only calls you when he wants something" by others who know him. His help would have made things easier. I asked him about 10 times, he couldn't be bothered. I dealt with it myself, moved on.

The other day, I got a call from him asking my advice on his new business venture. He came into a chunk of $$, and knows I have experience in a field he knows nothing about, so now he needs my help. I did the best I could to offer him general advice, but that was it. This guy has been selfish his whole life, I tried to overlook it. It took someone else we both know to point that out to me. Selfishness can come back to bite yhou sometimes.

Lesson learned - try to surround yourself with positive people, and treat others how you want to be treated in return. You won't be guaranteed a stress-free recovery, but youll be eliminating some stresses you would be better off without.

Just because someone is drug or alcohol free, character defects still abound. We need to work on these defects to have better interactions in our new lives. I know I still have plenty of character defects, that's why I try to identify when I talk about them.

[jonthepain]

try to avoid selfish people, or at least identify how they operate so I could pick up on the signs. Sometimes they hide it well, and end up looking for giving and selfless people to take advantage of.

when i was a corrections officer, i had to be especially careful around the inmates, because they were always looking for ducks. i mean, these guys had years to perfect their manipulation skills, and had it to a t.

so i still have a problem with trusting people. my wife doesn't, and is constantly being taken advantage of. i'm surprised she hasn't sent $ to nairobi.

in my experience, there are scant few people that aren't 'operators.'

[DarkSkies]

Right on, Jon. There's a fine line between manipulating and interacting with people in your daily life. We all put up with manipulation sometimes, it's the way of the world.

Say your wife or girlfriend wants something, she doesn't have all the money to buy it. So she comes to you, talks about it a little, persuades a little, and you buy it for her. Have you been manipulated? Sure, but that's the way things go. The danger is when people take this route as preferred behavior for all their interactions with others. You were fortunate, or unfortunate? to see manipulation at its worst in the form of prisoners, who do it as naturally as we breathe.

I bet you got some stories about that part of your life. It seems like you have done a lot of everything, seen the good with the bad.

"well anyway thanks for the kind words. i guess i'll just continue to survive. it's what i do."
jon

Keep on surviving, keep on keepin on. Sometimes that's the best way for me to get through a rough patch. The good days far outnumber the bad, but anyone who says sobriety is all smooth sailin has to be exxagerating. The rough patches is what test what you're made of, and how strong your sobriety, and your faith, is. Keep comin, man.

[DarkSkies]

February 13, 2009

Essentials

Any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems
in the light of our experience can recover
provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts.
He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
We find that no one need have difficulty with the spiritual side of the program.
Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery.
But these are indispensable.

Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous [First Edition], Page 39

Thought to Ponder....

Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.





They say you can be in the program without a belief in God, agnostics are welcome. I know a great guy who is an agnostic. He has had troubles with one of his family members and the disease of alcoholism. I resepect his choice to live in a world without God, even though it's hard to grasp.

For me, I have been brought back from the dead so many times, I have to believe in God. There are too many coincidences in my life to chalk up to probability. I'm sometimes sensitive to the terrible things that people do to others in this world, the child molesters, the brutal murders, the inhumane acts of people toward each other, Sometimes I say: but if there is a God, why does all this crap happen? Answer: he can't control the evil that lurks in the hearts of people.

So a belief in God, for me, is something that helps to anchor my sobriety, keep me grounded. My belief and faith isn't always strong, but it's there. There's a member here who I look up to a lot because it seems his belief in God is unwavering. It kinda inspires me to try harder. I may not be where he is, but I'm on the road to better faith.