Jokes about sex and dirty jokes

[dogfish]

Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"


________________________________

LOUD
SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and
said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's
completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it
wakes me up!"


________________________________

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man
came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're
never home!"


________________________________


CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."






________________________________

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter
quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband
yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."


"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
"


________________________________





WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y
jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.


________________________________




ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came
home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living
apartment, killing him instantly.


Brought before the court on the charge
of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything
to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I
figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."

[ledhead36]

________________________________


CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Nails it for many couples today. (biggest trap in the world, and after you remodel the kitchen for her, she decides the rest of the house looks "old and outdated", get ready to burn through another $10k)

[dogfish]

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

[nitestrikes]

Checkup

This beautiful woman one day walks into a gynecologist's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

[albiealert]

Coma miracle

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazyas this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."

[hookedonbass]

[plugcrazy]

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

[wish4fish]

Ha, gotta try that next time a chick blows me off!

[albiealert]

Hooker Tax
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

[stripercrazy]

Sharp gambler

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your *** before the day was over."

[bababooey]

Sharp gambler

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your *** before the day was over."

Sharp kid, I could learn from this.

[voyager35]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

[bluesdude71]

A man came home drunk at 2am in the morning.He went upstairs and woke up his wife and asked her for a *******.She said she was too tired and went back to sleep.He woke her and asked her again.
She told him to masturbate into the glass on her bedside table and she would drink it in the morning.

[hookset]

STILL IN THE BOX

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[stripercrazy]

Johnny Farts
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITELY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just **** my pants!!!"

[plugcrazy]

Johnny Farts
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITELY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just **** my pants!!!"

lumpy fart syndrome, been there, done that.