Jokes about sex and dirty jokes

[nitestrikes]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought
it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with
their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his
head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks.



Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything.....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away.."


The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"


The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!


Generic names for Viagra.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Top Four

Adult Jokes

Fourth

Place:

A

man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his

elbow goes into her breast.

They

are both quite startled.

The

man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast,

I

know you'll forgive me.'

She

replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Third

Place :

One

night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.

The

wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The

husband, rejected, turns over..

A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Runner

Up:

Bill

worked in a pickle factory.

He had

been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day

to

confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had

an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His

wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One

day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she

asked.

'Do

you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh,

Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes,

I did.' he replied.

'My

God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got

fired.'

'No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired

too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Winner:

A

couple had been married for 50 years.

They

were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'

'I

know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here
naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny

snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two

stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You

know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I

wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[bababooey]

One

night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his wife's arm.

The

wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a

gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The

husband, rejected, turns over..

A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Good one!

[bababooey]

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.


The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...


Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple pass him, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks.


Matrimony --
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
>
> So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
>
> The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the h*** up.