Jokes about sex and dirty jokes

[dogfish]

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

[nitestrikes]

Checkup

This beautiful woman one day walks into a gynecologist's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

[albiealert]

Coma miracle

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazyas this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."

[hookedonbass]

[plugcrazy]

This one's a little sick


After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

[fishlipper]

DEATH DURING SEX

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

[nitestrikes]

This one's a little sick


After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

^^ Sounds like the guy in the foreign cell phone commercial who hooks up with an tranny an a bar, and his bud almost doesn't reach him on the phone in time to kill the deal.

[cracklepopper]

A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.

He goes to the first house, the madame answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?"

The madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and decines the madam’s offer to enter the premises.

He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question.

Then at one house he asks, the madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big boobs and beautiful body sitting on the couch.

He pulls out his wallet, hands the madame a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there."

I’m sure you would", replies the madame, " but 76 year old Hazel sitting over there has seniority!"

[wish4fish]

This one's a little sick


After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

ur a sick dude, I threw up in my mouth readin that!

[bababooey]

Sex in the jungle

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"