Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"


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LOUD
SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and
said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's
completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it
wakes me up!"


________________________________

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man
came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're
never home!"


________________________________


CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."






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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter
quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband
yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."


"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
"


________________________________





WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y
jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.


________________________________




ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came
home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living
apartment, killing him instantly.


Brought before the court on the charge
of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything
to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I
figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."