Jokes about sex and dirty jokes

[bababooey]

Lazy Frog
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[bluesdude71]

What does a girl come home with when she fishes with 20 surfcasters?











a red snapper!

[bababooey]

My kinda girl...

[dogfish]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else, said the madam.”

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to a surprised Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “South Dakota.”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Dakota.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[dogfish]

a million uses

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.



"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."



The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

cat laugh.bmp

see no evil.bmp

star cat.bmp

[nitestrikes]

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.

2. Taxes.

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Ha ha good one, and so true, lawyers suck eggs.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks!


For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Folks! If we don't laugh, we'll probably cry. So LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Cartoons for those growing older.

Growing old...cartoons
« on: Jan 26th, 2007, 11:40pm » Quote Modify

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!



Subject: FW: For Your Education: Sinusoidal vs. Harmonic Motion

NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU GET, YOU NEVER LOSE INTEREST IN PHYSICS!

ENGINEERING REVIEW
Can you distinguish
Sinusoidal from
Harmonic Motion?

This is a quick physics refresher for all my engineer
friends. This information should be passed on to
non-engineers who may wonder about these important
issues.

For Engineers:








For non-Engineers:


This is Sinusoidal Motion







this is Harmonic Motion






this is a classic combination of
Sinusoidal & Harmonic Motion






I thought you should
Keep abreast of these
classic mathematical and engineering problems.

[storminsteve]

Someone sent me that one too, Dark. I tried to download the gifs for you but couldn't do it from my e-mail to here. Those jigglies are much better as gifs, imo.
We should start every day with jigglies like that.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!


A beautiful young blonde New York woman named Missy was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.



But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , Missy accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," Missy replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[bluesdude71]

This is gross, you have been warned -


4 golf buddies set out for a friendly afternoon of golf.

1 of the guys slices it, and loses his ball in the woods. He's in there for 5 minutes and the other guys get worried, so they send one of the party in to look for him.

20 minutes go by, and neither guy has come out of the woods yet. The other 2 go in there to look for them.

They find the one guy standing up, giving anal sex to the other guy. They say: "What the heck are you guys doing?"

The response:
"Well I came in here to find Pete, and he was having trouble breathing. I revived him!"

The guys ask:
That's not how you're supposed to revive him, you're supposed to give mouth to mouth!

The response:
"Well I tried that, and this is how we ended up!"

[VSdreams]

^ You're right, that is absolutely disgusting!
Not that I'm anti-gay or anything like that. But I prefer that gays keep it in the closet. We don't have to see or hear things like that, it makes you want to puke!

[nitestrikes]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought
it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with
their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his
head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks.



Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything.....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away.."


The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"


The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!


Generic names for Viagra.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Fin, thanks!

Top Four

Adult Jokes

Fourth

Place:

A

man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his

elbow goes into her breast.

They

are both quite startled.

The

man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast,

I

know you'll forgive me.'

She

replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
221.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Third

Place :

One

night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.

The

wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The

husband, rejected, turns over..

A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Runner

Up:

Bill

worked in a pickle factory.

He had

been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day

to

confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had

an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His

wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One

day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she

asked.

'Do

you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh,

Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes,

I did.' he replied.

'My

God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got

fired.'

'No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired

too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Winner:

A

couple had been married for 50 years.

They

were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'

'I

know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here
naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny

snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two

stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You

know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I

wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[bababooey]

One

night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his wife's arm.

The

wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a

gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The

husband, rejected, turns over..

A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do

you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Good one!

[bababooey]

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.


The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...


Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple pass him, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'