Joke of the Day

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!



MARITAL BLISS













Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Finchaser, thanks!


The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?”
“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,

‘‘so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin.”
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple......It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is, Sir.”
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”

[captnemo]

Good or bad luck?

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma

for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every

single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her

to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're ******* Bad Luck!!!

[jigfreak]

Def sounds like bad luck to me.

[DarkSkies]

Joke for us old folks!
Sent in by OGB, thanks!




HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALMOST 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ***, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[captnemo]

So true, we always think folks are older than we are., Dark.
Has anyone ever gone to their high school reunion, looked at someone, and said, Boy I can't believe how old they look.

[DarkSkies]

Has anyone ever gone to their high school reunion, looked at someone, and said, Boy I can't believe how old they look.

Yup, I have!
The last high school reunion I and Pebbles went to, there were still people there trying to show others how successful they had become, while doing their best to put others down. I kind of thought we coiuld get past that after a certain number of years. It was real disappointing, but that's life.


*********
Sent in by OGB, thanks!




The Obedient Italian Wife!

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her
heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money
into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
his wife was sitting there dressed in black (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before
the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"


She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."


The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic and I cannot go back on my word. I promised him I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him??"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

AMEN!

Send this to every clever Italian female you know and others, and to every man who thinks he is smarter than an Italian woman!

CIAO TUTTI

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.




He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks!

Subject: It Pays to Be Old


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

[DarkSkies]

Senf in by Fin, thanks.

(This reminds me of a true story...a lot of years ago when I was in the drinkin days, a friend and I were in a seedy urban bar.

My friend is a hard core biker, tats all over, swastika on the helmet, etc, etc. a sick dude.)

We meet this other guy, one of his "friends". Guy just got out of jail that afternoon after doing a 9 month stretch for assault, member of a NJ Outlaw biker gang.

The newly freed convict walks up to my friend, says hey how ya doin, bro!
He says:
"I like your shirt and I want ya to give it to me!"
My friend was supposedly tight with this guy and the other color wearing members of his crew....but the guy wasn't taking "no" for an answer. 2 minutes later, my friend had to take his shirt off and switch with the psycho dude. Or we would have been beaten to a pulp by his "friend" and his fellow outlaws.

Lesson learned....Ya never know what will be around the corner, when you're drinkin.












Fin's joke....
**********
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.




"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[bababooey]

Dark you are lucky you and your buddy didn't end up in a shallow grave somewhere.

[DarkSkies]

^^ Bababooey, there are worse stories than that, those are just the ones I can talk about on a public forum...I'm damn lucky I made it through those years, some of the guys I used to run with weren't so lucky.....




********
Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!
When a woman wears a leather dress....



When a woman wears a leather dress,


A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why











Because she smells like a new truck

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!





2 Lawyers....
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.





Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming..


One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.There is a woman out there floating in our direction."


The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're


hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."


But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly



beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.


The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.




One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....





So .. Do you think we should ....well .....




You know ...... Screw her?"









"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer ....

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by the OGB, thanks!


A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. "HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. "HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. "HE paid for our house at the lake. "HE paid for our country club membership, and "HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his *** with that blanket before he catches cold."

[hookset]

"Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. "HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. "HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. "HE paid for our house at the lake. The cabby replies, "I'd cover his *** with that blanket before he catches cold."

If the guy can buy me a fishing boat he can sleep with my wife too.

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks!

The Night Nurse A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's just great...some *******'s got my pen!'

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Speedy, thanks!

[storminsteve]

Eau de brocc-ole, the latest French fad. LOL

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!


ELDER TEXTING....................

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.



One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."



The husband texted back to her, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[finchaser]

Why Grandfathers are different.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single assh_le, queer, piece of sh_t, horse's a_s,tree hugger, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, camel humper or son of a bit_h anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?