Joke of the Day

[plugginpete]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it Plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P... E.. ... N.... I..... S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer screen read:

PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[buckethead]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people , do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long

time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'


Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our

family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the

grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[bababooey]

Married spice

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'that was wonderful. Why did you stop??'






'I found the remote,' he said.


:

[bababooey]

This one's for Katie

One for the Ladies

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles , Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots , Please no gray
And as for my belly , Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy , Please keep me young ,
And thank you Dear Lord , For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....
1.. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!!

[dogfish]

Do you have GUTS? or BALLZ?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

[cowherder]

MARRIAGE QUOTES

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." - Dakota Shepard.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter.

"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles." - Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." - Beverley Nichols.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.

"Life is a *****, then you marry one."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

[seamonkey]

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?


A. Money

[plugcrazy]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your ****.

[jigfreak]

Fairplay
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. (Contributed by Scott Jamison, Orem,Utah)

[rockhopper]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."

"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again

[bababooey]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."

"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again

sucks getting older:

[hookedonbass]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[bababooey]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[dogfish]

^ My ideal response in 10 years.

How do you tell the difference between a mercedes 500sel and a porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[bababooey]

How do you tell the difference between a mercedes 500sel and a porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

You can also substitute Porsche or BMW, good joke.

[albiealert]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Sometimes the simplest things in life are free, and people can't see that.

[plugcrazy]

A man walkes into a florist shop and sees a large sign saying "Say It With Flowers"
"Wrap up one rose", he told the florist
"Only one?' the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer said
"I'm a man of few words"

[stripercrazy]

A man walkes into a florist shop and sees a large sign saying "Say It With Flowers"
"Wrap up one rose", he told the florist
"Only one?' the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer said
"I'm a man of few words"

Yeah, try pulling that on your anniversary and see how much sex you get.

[plugginpete]

The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[bluesdude71]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over
and asks, "What are
you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up, they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I
had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"