Joke of the Day

[pinhead44]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[stormchaser]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

got a couple of buddies like that. They say they wear the pants in their families, but "Yes dear" is the first thing out of their mouths when talking to their wives.

[fishinmission78]

Tinkle......

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into th e room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[bluesdude71]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a *******?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[plugginpete]

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

[cowherder]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

[hookedonbass]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[strikezone31]

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

[BassBuddah]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[stormchaser]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Wish I could do that with my wife.

[strikezone31]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[bababooey]

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.

[plugcrazy]

The Back Pew......

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
Congregation and asked f or a raise.?

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded,

So would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children
Were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
His chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
As many gifts as He gives us. Silence fel l on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
In her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
Much of it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen ~ Hallelujah'...

[CharlieTuna]

The Back Pew......

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
Congregation and asked f or a raise.?

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded,

So would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children
Were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
His chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
As many gifts as He gives us. Silence fel l on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
In her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
Much of it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen ~ Hallelujah'...

: When I was younger, my grandma was way beyond her years. she used to tell us when we were teens: If you find a girl, and you start having sex, make sure you put on a rubber, you don't need any babies at your age! - this from the mouth of a 75 year old woman. Bless her soul, I miss her, this just reminded me of her.

[CharlieTuna]

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

[bababooey]

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

[CharlieTuna]

MARRIAGE QUOTES BY MEN

• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
• Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
• A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. :
• If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[cracklepopper]

I was on my way to shop at Wal Mart.

Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. Wasn't even on
the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then -

... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to
get funny)? Well - -

... He was a dwarf! About 3 feet nothing tall, storms over to my car


Looks up at me and says, 'I am NOT happy.'

I look down at him and say, 'Okay, which one are you then?'

And that's when the frippin' fight started. .. .

[bababooey]

I was on my way to shop at Wal Mart.

Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. Wasn't even on
the horizon. I was in a great mood. And then -

... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to
get funny)? Well - -

... He was a dwarf! About 3 feet nothing tall, storms over to my car


Looks up at me and says, 'I am NOT happy.'

I look down at him and say, 'Okay, which one are you then?'

And that's when the frippin' fight started. .. .

Ok which one are you then? :

[wish4fish]

Ha ha would be fun if u really did get into an accident with a dwarf and could use that line! :