Joke of the Day

[albiealert]

BLIND DATE

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[plugginpete]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[plugginpete]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it Plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P... E.. ... N.... I..... S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer screen read:

PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[buckethead]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people , do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long

time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'


Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our

family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the

grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[bababooey]

Married spice

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'that was wonderful. Why did you stop??'






'I found the remote,' he said.


:

[bababooey]

This one's for Katie

One for the Ladies

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles , Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots , Please no gray
And as for my belly , Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy , Please keep me young ,
And thank you Dear Lord , For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....
1.. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!!

[dogfish]

Do you have GUTS? or BALLZ?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

[cowherder]

MARRIAGE QUOTES

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." - Dakota Shepard.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter.

"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles." - Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." - Beverley Nichols.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.

"Life is a *****, then you marry one."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

[stripercrazy]

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

[seamonkey]

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?


A. Money

[plugcrazy]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your ****.

[rockhopper]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."

"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again

[bababooey]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."

"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again

sucks getting older:

[hookedonbass]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[plugginpete]

The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[bababooey]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[dogfish]

^ My ideal response in 10 years.

How do you tell the difference between a mercedes 500sel and a porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[bababooey]

How do you tell the difference between a mercedes 500sel and a porcupine?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

You can also substitute Porsche or BMW, good joke.

[bluesdude71]

Dead Fly

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,
so she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out". She ate and ate....and then...
she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and
could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath,
spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you are full of crap."

[bluesdude71]

Lame

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble,
when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
(DOH!)