Joke of the Day

[bababooey]

Dead Fly

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,
so she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out". She ate and ate....and then...
she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and
could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath,
spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you are full of crap."

: I know quite a few people who would benefit from this advice.

[albiealert]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with hisfishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.


About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.


"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"


The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"


"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.


"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.


The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.


The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.


"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.


The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"


Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"


The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"


The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Sometimes the simplest things in life are free, and people can't see that.

[plugcrazy]

A man walkes into a florist shop and sees a large sign saying "Say It With Flowers"
"Wrap up one rose", he told the florist
"Only one?' the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer said
"I'm a man of few words"

[bluesdude71]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over
and asks, "What are
you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up, they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I
had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

[crosseyedbass]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go
to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and
washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says
"Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied,
"you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."


The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"

[dogfish]

...One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."


The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"

[strikezone31]

Boat troubles

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

[jigfreak]

Fairplay
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. (Contributed by Scott Jamison, Orem,Utah)

[stripercrazy]

A man walkes into a florist shop and sees a large sign saying "Say It With Flowers"
"Wrap up one rose", he told the florist
"Only one?' the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer said
"I'm a man of few words"

Yeah, try pulling that on your anniversary and see how much sex you get.

[hookset]

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.

[rockhopper]

him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, " No way. I hate needles. I'm not having
any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here,"
he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to
while I pull your tooth."

[storminsteve]

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go
to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and
washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says
"Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied,
"you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl
says, "You must be a really good dentist."


The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"

Ha ha I heard this before, but it's still funny.:

[surferman]

Checking In


A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

[plugcrazy]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.

The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.”

[rockhopper]

Two young Irish men were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said, “I’m taking along a gallon of whisky just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?”


The other one thought about it for a moment and said, “Two rattlesnakes!”

[storminsteve]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing machines. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. But several years later they contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything, but to no avail.

The engineer reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is!”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.”

Knowing where to put it, priceless.

[captnemo]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[plugginpete]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice comes the reply…”The word is ‘celebrate

[surferman]

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[storminsteve]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man. ‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it's time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'