Joke of the Day

[dogfish]

Married bliss

A man and a woman who had never met before, and are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk & she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you mind reaching into the closet to get me another blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
I have a better idea,' she replied with a twinkle in her eye. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
His eyebrows went up and he smiled, 'That's a great idea!'


'Good', she replied. 'Get your own freaking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted

[CharlieTuna]

^^ Good one! :

CIA interviews:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."



Ugly woman:
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

[blitzhunter]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[katiefishes]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlueBird'scousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellowBirdwouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't killTwo Birds

withOneStone!!!

[bababooey]

Very good..You're ok, Katie.

[blitzhunter]

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks
and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Block Island Ferry."

[CharlieTuna]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
is."

While the boy and his father were watching in
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Go get your Mother."

[voyager35]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[captnemo]

The one thing you learn about living with women, should you not die of a heart attack first, is they continue to mystify. When you think you have them all figured out, another twist comes your way. Thanks for the laughs.

[hookset]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine, says the Italian.'

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?'

[cracklepopper]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Good one!

[BassBuddah]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a very and beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."the jeweler asked how
payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you
need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[rockhopper]

Sportsman's Double

I ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60ish-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit and then she asked, "Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, "No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome."

We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, "Tonight is your lucky night."

We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"

[stripercrazy]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[katiefishes]

Cup of Tea. (Watch out Dad's)
>
> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
>
> I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
>
> Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
> one of my favorite toys.
>
> Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
> brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
> several
> cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
>
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
> tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
> enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
> watches him drink it up.
>
> Then she says, (as only a mother would know...
>
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
> water
> is the toilet?
>

[blitzhunter]

Bubba's Truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where'd you git that truck?”

“Tammie give it to me,” Bubba replied.

“She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6,in the middle of no wheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!”

“Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you.”

[crosseyedbass]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied
up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a
chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of
the room.

He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been
kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as he had
chance,the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow,and
turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.

He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him
kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our
lives depend on it!"

"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that
way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. He wasn't kissing my
neck...he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute
and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom".

[plugaholic]

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

• You have enough clothes.

• You have too many shoes.

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

• Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[basshunter]

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

well said!

[7deadlyplugs]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a very and beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."the jeweler asked how
payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you
need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money
in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

ha ha, the old guy has game!