Life, Death.... and Your Thoughts on Everything in Between.....

[DarkSkies]

So what do we do with it...or the feelings that occur within us?

IMO a lot of us hide or avoid the feelings we are experiencing...thinking they will go away if we ignore them.....
this thread could be a place to talk about feelings of loss, impending loss, feelings of regret......or just a rant on the unfairness of it all....

It could be positive, or negative, depending on how things are going for you that day....the direction it takes, is up to you folks...
Beyond all that, I am wishing it can provide some hope and comfort, to those of us who are suffering, along with those in our lives, who are suffering......

**And help us all to see, more clearly, that life is a meal that needs to be savored, one bite at a time....but also as if it is your last meal.....
Tomorrow is never guaranteed, all we have is today........






Would be interested in hearing what others think......
and thoughts and prayers to all of us in the world, who now have parents, friends, or family who are suffering through an illness.....

[ledhead36]

The only certain things in life are death and taxes.
Live each day like it's your last.
2 things I try to go by, everything else is gravy. My Aunt passed away from cancer last year. It's hard to watch. It also got me a little angry how they try to keep folks alive even when there is no real quality of life. All about racking the bills up for some of them drs. When its time to die you should get some dignity. I respected what Dr Kevorkian did. Too bad they put him in jail

[jigfreak]

My Aunt passed away from cancer last year. It's hard to watch. It also got me a little angry how they try to keep folks alive even when there is no real quality of life. All about racking the bills up for some of them drs. When its time to die you should get some dignity. I respected what Dr Kevorkian did. Too bad they put him in jail

Sorry to hear that dude I feel the same way. Nowadays with medicare and the cuts there are many. They do not cut too much when it comes to keeping an old person alive so that person could have up to 1 mill of bills and still die anyway. jmo but its all about feathering the pockets. There is a certain point when it doesn't make sense to keep someone alive. Im all for dying with dignity instead of dying with drool running out your mouth.

[Monty]

Time heals.
From my experiences, the sense of loss never leaves, but the good memories and experiences eventually balance out the sense of loss to some extent.

[surfwalker]

Tough, tough subject, but it's there. Seems like you worry about illness/death, for yourself and those close to you 50 per cent of the time and the other 50 per cent you actually live it. Nothings easy. To make decisions on some one else life is very tough. To take some one off a machine, to see that last breath or tear flow from their face, just tough. I experienced it with my FIL. But, like Monty stated- the memories and experiences keep that individual alive within us. 'ats why I always say that my walks are done alone, but I'm never lonely.

My parents are still doing pretty good- Dad (89), Mom(87). Mom was in the hospital for awhile this year and Dad broke both his hips at different times, also this year. They can't do much around the house anymore (they still yell at me, though). I help them in any way I can. Doctor appointments, shopping, around the house stuff, whatever they need. That's how I cope with it. They were there for me and I kinda drove them crazy. I stop to see them every night, make sure all is OK. Maybe I'm selfish because it makes me feel better.

Like I said, nothings easy, you just do things, one at a time, You just accept it. I just hope that I'm around to help them until they don't need it. Life/Feelings- same thing.

[surfstix1963]

Tough subject for sure in my moms case she knew something was wrong but felt she was interfering with her families lives and didn't say nothing until the infection got into her blood. then things became very obvious something was wrong this could have been a simple fix of a Dr. visit and antibiotics and turned into a near death experience.

We all have our lives and things to do don't give up on them you will be sorry.
We have discussed things about death. she made it very clear if a machine is keeping her alive to unplug it (I have the same views I'm not making Drs rich IMO I'm no longer living)

I'm her health care proxy so I have to make that call and although it will be tough I will respect her wishes. Fortunately they have finally gotten the infection under control after a week of some serious antibiotics. One thing I have found is family can put some major glitches in decision making. some don't want to be bothered (sad)

if they are human they will realize that it is too damn late you can't bring them back, these people are parents grand parents & they loved raised and cared for you in your life. It sickens me the way some family members react trust me I have a huge hole in my moms wall that my siblings drove me to put my fists through but that can be fixed losing my mom cannot. I also have a MIL with dementia in our home watching this everyday is very draining on a family and relationships so a little help would have been nice with my Mom.

I do believe when it is your time it is your time. all you can do is your best and nothing or nobody can play God. I leave that decision making to him. Fishing is the only thing that takes me away from my problems for awhile. so I could care less about catching - that beach or rockpile is my therapy.

[bababooey]

I think that every day we are alive we can't discount the possibility that we could be run over by a mack truck. We could have a nagging cough go to the Dr and find out it is cancer. Living each day t the fullest is something I try. Thoughts go out to you guys who have had sick family members. I went through it with my grandpa. It hurts us all. As monty said it gets better with time. Great thread.

[DarkSkies]

I think that every day we are alive we can't discount the possibility that we could be run over by a mack truck. We could have a nagging cough go to the Dr and find out it is cancer. Living each day t the fullest is something I try. Thoughts go out to you guys who have had sick family members. I went through it with my grandpa. It hurts us all. As monty said it gets better with time. Great thread.

Well put bababooey. These weeks seeing death so prevalent in those rooms, and the grieving families that had to go through it, has caused a shift in some of my thinking. Life can change for us in a single moment. If we are not living the lives we want to live, we may want to ask ourselves "Why not?".....if someone told you tomorrow you only had 3 months to live, is there anything we would do differently?

Time heals.
From my experiences, the sense of loss never leaves, but the good memories and experiences eventually balance out the sense of loss to some extent.

That's exactly what they told us, and what the priest said in the sermon. I'll come back to this when I get a chance, but good point, Monty...very meaningful words...
For some, mentioning the deceased and the memories is too painful....I get that....but for me....I like to go over stories, funny, embarrasing, or in some way amusing, that helps us to remember the person who left us......I like to do this around holidays and their birthday....some words of comfort to help us remember them....in that way....in my eyes, even though they are gone....their memories still live on......

Tough, tough subject, but it's there. Seems like you worry about illness/death, for yourself and those close to you 50 per cent of the time and the other 50 per cent you actually live it. Nothings easy. To make decisions on some one else life is very tough. To take some one off a machine, to see that last breath or tear flow from their face, just tough. I experienced it with my FIL. But, like Monty stated- the memories and experiences keep that individual alive within us. 'ats why I always say that my walks are done alone, but I'm never lonely.

My parents are still doing pretty good- Dad (89), Mom(87). Mom was in the hospital for awhile this year and Dad broke both his hips at different times, also this year. They can't do much around the house anymore (they still yell at me, though). I help them in any way I can. Doctor appointments, shopping, around the house stuff, whatever they need. That's how I cope with it. They were there for me and I kinda drove them crazy. I stop to see them every night, make sure all is OK. Maybe I'm selfish because it makes me feel better.

Like I said, nothings easy, you just do things, one at a time, You just accept it. I just hope that I'm around to help them until they don't need it. Life/Feelings- same thing.

We drove my Mom crazy as well Surfwalker....the times we took advantage of her good nature were countless....we were bad....when we were young....and in the subsequent years of my sobriety I have tried to do everything I could to make up for it.....duty and honor are now important parts of my life that didn't seem to matter as much when I was younger.....

I think we all come to these realizations at different points in our lives...one thing I find lacking in (some of) the younger generation is the impatience for dealing with the healthcare of elderly parents.....it's tough to transition yourself to help a loved one with personal needs and some embarassing tasks that once were done by themselves.....but I feel as sons or daughters, it is our duty, and obligation, just as they cleaned our diapers, and stayed up with us all night when we had 102 degree fevers.......
I have extensive experience over the years with aging folks, seniors, and have seen a lot of them warehoused in institutions with minimal visits from family...this saddens me......I realize that we all have different circumstances in life, and some are not able physically to take care of elderly parents.....and some do, until it becomes too difficult, and then make the transition to Sr Housing......

So it's all about the individual, and their situation.......
However, I salute those, like surfwalker, surfstix and others, who still feel a sense of obligation to be the primary caregivers for aging parents....it's one of the toughest things we have to deal with in our adult lives.....

[DarkSkies]

then things became very obvious something was wrong this could have been a simple fix of a Dr. visit and antibiotics and turned into a near death experience.

We all have our lives and things to do don't give up on them you will be sorry.
We have discussed things about death. she made it very clear if a machine is keeping her alive to unplug it (I have the same views I'm not making Drs rich IMO I'm no longer living)

I'm her health care proxy so I have to make that call and although it will be tough I will respect her wishes. Fortunately they have finally gotten the infection under control after a week of some serious antibiotics. One thing I have found is family can put some major glitches in decision making. some don't want to be bothered (sad)

if they are human they will realize that it is too damn late you can't bring them back, these people are parents, grand parents & they loved raised and cared for you in your life. It sickens me the way some family members react trust me I have a huge hole in my moms wall that my siblings drove me to put my fists through but that can be fixed losing my mom cannot.

Fishing is the only thing that takes me away from my problems for awhile. so I could care less about catching - that beach or rockpile is my therapy.

All the things I highlighted I have seen or been through as well, Rich. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know your situation has been particularly challenging......and it has had a lot of ups and downs....

2 things you mentioned should be discussed here further.....health care proxy and DNR....these are the key tools that we have in modern times to make sure the wishes of our loved ones will be followed......

1. Health Care Proxy

2. Living Will / DNR Options





I'll try to come back when I have some more time and go into them, for the benefit of those who are just learning about this process.....
If anyone else wants to help us understand their experiences in the meantime, feel free to go into detail about these or any other topics....


Thanks for all the opinions people. I know some of ya's were sharing some extremely personal stuff...but if it can help others, your words can have a great impact.......and may give some of us who are struggling with these issues some comfort.....

[DarkSkies]

Live each day like it's your last.
2 things I try to go by, everything else is gravy. My Aunt passed away from cancer last year. It's hard to watch. It also got me a little angry how they try to keep folks alive even when there is no real quality of life. All about racking the bills up for some of them drs. When its time to die you should get some dignity.

Good philisophy, you never know when it might be your last.....My deepest sympathies, led.

There is a certain point when it doesn't make sense to keep someone alive. Im all for dying with dignity instead of dying with drool running out your mouth.

Well said, jigfreak.
I agree with this as well. One of the Doctors took Pebbles aside, and said:
"You know, with the modern technology we have, we can keep someone alive virtually forever. The question you and your family members want to ask yourselves is what is the quality of life at that point, and if your loved one would have wanted to keep living if that were the case."

This was pretty impressive to me. We have learned a lot about the medical field advances and compassionate health care in the time he was sick. Pebbles Dr took her into a private room, and had tears coming down her face as she explained it to her. They now have specialists who deal in compassionate care...it's amazing for me to see this level of empathy from our Doctors, who throughout my childhood and young adulthood had been somewhat stoic and seemed void of emotion, in the clinical sense.

This shift in health care (maybe not in all places) was a breath of fresh air, and very re-assuring to us.
It helped us to be in a position to make informed choices, and to help him die with dignity, which was his wish.




A quick plug for Overlook Hospital in Summit, one of the most advanced stroke/neurological units in the state. We felt that at all times, her Dad's care was the best it could be. Every night when we left the hospital, they told us they would call us immediately if his condition changed so we could drive up and be with him if he got worse. They also called every morning at 7am (shift change) to let us know how the night went, and any changes in condition.

Additionally, they have a Caregivers Center, the only one in the state as of now, which is a few rooms, privacy spaces, kitchenette, and sufficient seating so that families who are going through this, can stop in, grab a cup of coffee, snack, hot chocolate, or a quick nap, as they deal with family members going through end of life ups and downs....we felt this was fantastic, and cannot say enough good words about the Overlook Health Care system.