AA Thought for the Day

December 12, 2008

The Merry-Go-Round

I began to feel like a clown juggling too many balls.
Each ball represented a problem I was keeping up in the air.
My arms were weary and I knew I couldn't keep up much longer,
but I was not about to give up. My pride and ego wouldn't let me.
Bosses, judges, co-workers, lawyers, car notes, bar tabs, loan sharks,
utility payments, landlords, my girlfriend, people I had double-crossed --
I looked to all these as the source of my problems,
while overlooking the most basic problem; my drinking and myself.
I'd known for a long time that I desperately wanted off this merry-go-round,
but I had no idea how to do it.



Thought to Ponder....

I can't start doing what's right until I stop doing what's wrong.





I can definitely identify with that. I felt I was on a merry go round that wouldn't stop. The same behavior yeilded the same results. I kept promising myself I would quit, usually after something bad happen. I would crash a car, get into some trouble and wake up with steel bracelets on, fight with my family or girlfriend and have no memory of it when I woke up, only to have the night's events repeated to me, and thinking I was finally fed up with my behavior.

This time I would quit! I would really do it, I was finally motivated! Then 2 weeks later I would be doing the same thing, disappointing family, frieeds, and ruining the relationships that mattered the most to me.

I couldn't get off the merry go round till I was ready to surrender. This was a very difficult concept for me - what the eff was I surrendering to? Only losers surrendered, I was a man, in charge of my life, no way I would surrender to some stupid brainwashing!

As things got worse, and I became more beaten down from all the bad things I was doing, I hit bottom and came to a realization that I couldn't live my life that way anymore. It was too painful, too embarassing, and the pain became too great. Alcohol or drugs couldn't deaden it anymore, I was miserable every day with or without the marsmallow cushion.

So I gave up,, and said, let me at least try this thing "surrender". I was tired, sick, and sick of being sick and tired. It was time to try something else. I'm glad I did, or I wouldn't be here today.