Jokes about sex and dirty jokes

[dogfish]

Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"


________________________________

LOUD
SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and
said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's
completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it
wakes me up!"


________________________________

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man
came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're
never home!"


________________________________


CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."






________________________________

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter
quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband
yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."


"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
"


________________________________





WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y
jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.


________________________________




ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came
home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living
apartment, killing him instantly.


Brought before the court on the charge
of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything
to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I
figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."

[ledhead36]

________________________________


CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and
his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500
for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for
"large."

The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before
he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Nails it for many couples today. (biggest trap in the world, and after you remodel the kitchen for her, she decides the rest of the house looks "old and outdated", get ready to burn through another $10k)

[dogfish]

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

[nitestrikes]

Checkup

This beautiful woman one day walks into a gynecologist's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

[albiealert]

Coma miracle

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazyas this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."

[hookedonbass]

[plugcrazy]

This one's a little sick


After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

[fishlipper]

DEATH DURING SEX

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

[nitestrikes]

This one's a little sick


After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

^^ Sounds like the guy in the foreign cell phone commercial who hooks up with an tranny an a bar, and his bud almost doesn't reach him on the phone in time to kill the deal.

[cracklepopper]

A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.

He goes to the first house, the madame answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?"

The madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and decines the madam’s offer to enter the premises.

He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question.

Then at one house he asks, the madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big boobs and beautiful body sitting on the couch.

He pulls out his wallet, hands the madame a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there."

I’m sure you would", replies the madame, " but 76 year old Hazel sitting over there has seniority!"

[wish4fish]

This one's a little sick


After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.

He asked nervously "is that your husband?"

The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"

The girl says "no no"

Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"

ur a sick dude, I threw up in my mouth readin that!

[bababooey]

Sex in the jungle

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

[dogfish]

^^ Maybe the guy they caught having sex with a picnic table should have thought of that first.

[dogfish]

What’s six inches long and smells like a robin?

Batman’s ****.

[pescador29]

Why are ambulances better than women?
I have never had to wait longer than 30 minutes for an ambulance to come.

[cracklepopper]

THAT'S LOVE!

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too!"

[katiefishes]

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said,

"Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?"

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

[cracklepopper]

^


Alien sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[cracklepopper]

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job ."

[BassBuddah]

MAN OF YOUR DREAMS

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"