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Senior Member
This one's a little sick
After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.
He asked nervously "is that your husband?"
The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"
The girl says "no no"
Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"
Senior Member
DEATH DURING SEX
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Senior Member
^^ Sounds like the guy in the foreign cell phone commercial who hooks up with an tranny an a bar, and his bud almost doesn't reach him on the phone in time to kill the deal.Originally Posted by plugcrazy
This one's a little sick
After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.
He asked nervously "is that your husband?"
The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"
The girl says "no no"
Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"
Senior Member
A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.
He goes to the first house, the madame answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?"
The madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and decines the madam’s offer to enter the premises.
He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question.
Then at one house he asks, the madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big boobs and beautiful body sitting on the couch.
He pulls out his wallet, hands the madame a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there."
I’m sure you would", replies the madame, " but 76 year old Hazel sitting over there has seniority!"
Senior Member
12 more minutes
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.
The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said,
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
Senior Member
^
Alien sex
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Senior Member
25th anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job ."
Senior Member
ur a sick dude, I threw up in my mouth readin that!This one's a little sick
After a long night of making love a guy sees a picture of another man on the girl's night stand.
He asked nervously "is that your husband?"
The girl says "No, silly"
He said: "Oh, its ur cousin or brother?"
The girl says "no no"
Annoyed the guy says "Well who the hell is it"?
The girl says "Me before the surgery"
1000 post club!
Sex in the jungle
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Senior Member
^^ Maybe the guy they caught having sex with a picnic table should have thought of that first.
Senior Member
What’s six inches long and smells like a robin?
Batman’s ****.
Senior Member
Why are ambulances better than women?
I have never had to wait longer than 30 minutes for an ambulance to come.
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