Jokes about sex and dirty jokes

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by surfstix, thanks.


Matrimony --
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
>
> So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
>
> The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the h*** up.

[CharlieTuna]

The kiss -

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famousWhy are
you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[lostatsea]

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by an old friend, thanks!

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"


The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"


"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by OGB, thanks!


Subject: THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now.'

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by a member, thanks.



Some gentle ethnic humor
Two Italians on a Bus
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about
sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!

Pants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-*** attitude, you never will.'

[7deadlyplugs]

Some modern guys like wearing the panties, dark. I believe they call them metro-sexuals.

[DarkSkies]

Yeah, 7dp, I agree. What happened to the old days, when men were men, and didn't try to look like girls?



**********
Sent in by Surfstix, thanks!


Older Women

I'll confess ... I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60 + year-old. In fact, she wasn't
too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a
really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of more beers, and she asked if I'd ever had
a Sportsman's Double?

"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, I wondered what her
daughter really looked like.

So I said, "No, I haven't."
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight’s
your lucky night."

So we went back to her place.

She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom,
are you still awake?"

[DarkSkies]

Sent in by Speedy, thanks!

The Miracle of Toilet Paper Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take? I ask. They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies. I stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? Without missing a beat he says, worked for your *** didn't it? He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

[bababooey]

3 things that are always lies

the check is in the mail
no your *** does not look big
i promise that I won't come in your mouth.